


Soon You'll Get Better

by SkylerMitsuki5



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: A Team, Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But not alot, Cancer, Catra is latina, Catradora are so in love, Childhood Friends, Childhood Sweethearts, Comfort, Dorks in Love, Emotional Abuse, Explicit Smut, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluffy, Graphic Description, Hopeful, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mentions of drugs, Motivational, Music, Orphan - Freeform, PTSD, Physical Abuse, PoC, Smoking, Smut, So much angst, based on a somewhat similar story (that ending wasnt happy), but happy moments too, emotional and psychological trauma, everything, fighting through thick and thin, funny sometimes (I hope), homophobic memories, hospital graphic, inspired by irl stuff + Taylor Swift, its uplifting at the end i promise, lesbians for the Win, lovers and best friends, nsfw sometimes, sick catra, specified warnings in notes before chapter, supportive Adora, very sad and heartbreaking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:40:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 28,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25174765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkylerMitsuki5/pseuds/SkylerMitsuki5
Summary: After years of hardships and a lot of emotional work to get to where they are, Adora and Catra finally get the life they've always wanted together and are ready to share it with each other until Catra is diagnozed with cancer and that becomes the new challenge for them to face together for the future they fought so strongly for. Catra's a musician that wants to become a child psychologist to help trauma victims (like she herself is) and Adora wants to protect everyone but can't do it alone. How will they get through this? Love, pain, sex, illness, friendship, loneliness and hope, it's all here!
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Entrapta/Hordak (She-Ra), Kyle/Lonnie/Rogelio (She-Ra), Mermista/Sea Hawk (She-Ra), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra)
Comments: 85
Kudos: 146





	1. Everything to Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so this first chapter is bulky cuz I wanted to establish the whole world and dynamics before we got into the main course. I really hope you enjoyed my last fic with Catradora being supportive gfs with periods and I hope you enjoy this one! This project is very precious and personal to me as its my way of processing through some hardships ive gone through last year losing someone close and I wanted to work with that by combining writing and the art of preseerving life and hope in the characters we love! So I hope you find something you enjoy about it. Updates should happen every week (I work and go to uni so). The title and concept was inspired by Taylor Swift's "Soon You'll Get Better" cuz its literally me and I reference several other songs which I think you should check out (She is by Dodie),
> 
> Welp. Enjoy!! Drop a comment if you want (please want)!

In hindsight, Adora should’ve noticed the signs and put two and two together. If she was being honest, the first time she noticed something off was during sex. 

It started out with little things; Catra would be out of breath much earlier than usual even on her best days (normally she has impeccable stamina challenging that of her athletic girlfriend’s, go figure), her frame looked even thinner than usual as if brittle, the pulp in her limbs wasn’t as squishy and plump to knead anymore, and she even tasted different (WebMD informed Adora that a shift of taste in discharge might point to illness which she promptly ignored since, you know, it was WebMD).

But whenever such concerns came up, Adora ruled out the anomalies as glitches in the immune system now that Catra quit smoking.

Catra always says that smoking is 0.2 points under making her a drug mule in the list of Fucked Up Things I Made Foster Kids Do, a memoir by Sheila Weeber, the horror time foster mother from hell.

“Know thine enemy by acting as thine enemy does” Catra had whispered to Adora at age 14, flicking her cigarette and dragging a puff to blow on Adora’s face. 

Adora had pulled that cigarette from Catra’s lips and thrown it to the ground, stomping it like snuffing out a disease. Catra never lit a cigarette in front of her ever again.

But time had done its damage, and after years of self-destructive habits, Catra finally realized Adora wanted to be with her as much as she did. The realization came with three stipulations: accept external help from others, go to therapy and quit smoking. 

It’s been almost 5 years and they’re both the happiest they’ve ever been, together.

In fact, Catra plans for this night to be one of their most memorable ones yet.

You see, after a roller coaster ride of a life starting with abusive foster care, a drug-pushing scheme with Catra as the tool used since Adora had been admitted to boarding school early on and granted emancipation, a push and pull time period serving as a self-discovery journey for the both of them, the couple finally landed where they needed to be.

Caressing each milestone blissfully, Adora and Catra moved into an apartment that’s way too small and decided to never be separated by stupid reasons again.

To make life work, Adora works at a marketing company while majoring in Sports Medical and Mental Health and Catra, after a long period of recovery from a shitty home life, started studying Child Psychology and plays for bars and the internet on her guitar singing about things she’s been through. 

It’s a great way of processing her unresolved feelings as well as her current blessings in a way that makes the good and the bad a cathartic experience for her. That’s what her therapist tells her, anyway.

Every morning, Adora drinks her latte and the foam sticks to her nose. She doesn’t notice but Catra does and her heart breaks with love every single time. Despite the occasional fights and the resurfacing pain of the suffering they went through, there is always warmth. They breathed together. 

So it builds up a relatively arguable case as to why Adora tried so hard to push those signs deep into her subconscious and not notice the love of her life slowly fade. Right?

***

Folding laundry is definitely Catra’s least favorite house chore. You’d think that being in a lesbian relationship there’d be half the amount of clothing. But her and Adora’s styles are so drastically different that they end up with more clothes than they care to wash.

So they draw their names in the weekly Laundry Jar and the unfortunate mortal that gets drawn first gets to wash and fold. The other gets first pick on the fresh lingerie that week.

Which is just as well; if they were completely honest, either of them wearing the sexiest lingerie was a win for both.

Catra would abandon the clothes altogether if she could, but the modest size of their apartment made it impossible for lazy details to blend in with the decor. The multiple flights of stairs don’t contribute to the renting appeal, either.

“Having fun without me I see,” said Adora with a smirk as she exited the bathroom. She was looking dapper yet sexy with a lily-white button shirt that was deliciously open in the front, a pair of wide-leg black pants and a flat pair of strappy gold sandals. 

And of course, her stupidly adorable hair poof ponytail.

She’s not much of a makeup person but she did touch up on a peachy gloss and blue mascara to complete the discreetly sharp look.

Catra wants to do nothing more than jump her but maintains her post-loundry pout. “Wanna do something else instead? I’m game” she snickered.

“Hah, nice try but you won’t get out of it so easily. You’re supposed to fold the laundry, not make more” Adora flicked her ponytail smugly and sat down on her computer.

“Prude” muttered Catra.

She couldn’t resist a fond smile though. Her Adora, disciplined over lax every day of the week. What a fucking woman. It just made her more restless. 

Catra could make out the level of stress bunched up on Adora’s shoulders, the way it does every time Adora reads an email from work.

_ Fucking pricks,  _ growled Catra internally.  _ Unloading their sadistic frustration on interns they grossly underpay ‘cause they can’t get some.  _

“All good, love?” asked Catra gently. This is their night. Not theirs.

Adora didn’t respond for a couple of seconds but then turned to her girlfriend with an annoyed expression “They don’t like it. Again! It’s like they give me assignments  _ knowing _ they’re gonna say no from the start!”

It isn't easy to uphold the expectations superiors have when they grant you a paid internship position at a Sports Media company. But compensation parallels motivation. For Adora, it didn’t help her get a penthouse on vacation but it’s enough to get by until she graduates this year and is scouted for either a sports team or security force. Well, that and a ring. But that’s a story for later.

“What’s wrong with it  _ now _ ?” asked Catra annoyed while discreetly sliding the basket with the rest of the laundry under the bed. Sly.

Adora’s head hung lazily from the back of her chair in defiant irritation “I wrote it. That’s it. That’s the problem” her lower lip stuck up childishly and she reached both her arms out “Supportive cuddles”.

Catra was already up and ready to envelop her goofy girlfriend in her warmth.

Adora smelled of soda, somehow, and her clothes always felt the tiniest bit ruffled cause she was too impatient to iron them carefully. And the open front, Catra was sure, was 60% for cleavage and 40% because Adora didn’t feel like being bothered with one more button.

_ Love of my life. _

“You know something?” asked Catra.

“Apparently not, according to my office”.

Catra pinched Adora’s side playfully “No, you goof. Nevermind, you ruined the moment”.

She started to walk away but Adora caught her hand last minute, getting dragged to the other side of the room with her rolling chair “C’monnn, I’m sorry, okay? I’ll be serious now, I promise!”

“If you’re good and behave, I might just tell you tonight”.

“That’s not fair!”

“Neither is life, princess”.

Adora was about to protest some more when she noticed the fabric of Catra’s ratty t-shirt on the ground.

There stood Catra; in all her caramel brown-skinned glory with her gorgeous breasts out in the cool bedroom air. Her nipples hardened and her thick rough brown hair hid her clavicles. Catra had lines and grooves akin to greek statues; elegant and erotic.

Adora shifted her legs to cross on the other side to avoid the pleasant discomfort between her legs. Then her eyes caught the slightest shadow of ribs poking out Catra’s torso. 

If Adora was putting on a concerned face, Catra didn’t notice because she grinned and whispered “Hey, Adora. See something you like?”

Adora snapped shut the jaw she didn’t know she’d let hang open and swallowed “I was just wondering, have you lost weight?”

“Hm,” Catra turned to their bedroom’s tall mirror giving herself a double-take from side to side. “I don’t know, I guess I have lost a couple of pounds lately. Do you… not like it?”

“No!” Adora jumped quickly to her side, caressing her sides “I didn’t mean it that way at all! I’ve just noticed you being a bit more tired than usual and wanted to make sure you’re not over-exerting yourself”.

“Says the PhD Master of over-exertion” Catra chuckled and pecked Adora’s lips “I’m fine, dummy. For the first time in forever, I’m really, really okay”.

“You sure?” Adora wrapped her hands around her girlfriend’s waist, drawing her close and lining her forehead to Catra’s “Cause if you feel the slightest bit not okay--”

“Jesus, Adora. I’m  _ fine,  _ but if it makes you stop worrying about it so much, I’ll go do a check-up at the clinic. I’ll cough, look at the bright shiny light, let the nice doctor hit my knee with the little hammer thingy; the whole shebang”.

That seemed to make Adora feel much calmer. 

_ Annoying dummy,  _ thought Catra, not annoyed at all. 

Receiving concern and care isn’t really her forte, but she wants to have a life with Adora where they can spoil themselves with the love they never got to revel in. If that meant getting used to occasional doting and affectionate gestures, Catra guessed she can make the “hideous sacrifice” and “take it like a champ”.

“Now that we got all that cleared up,” Adora landed a quick kiss between Catra’s breasts and slapped her ass forward “we gotta hurry up! Bow and Glimmer are probably at the bar already and we can’t have them steal our thunder!”

Catra returned from her surprised blush and turned to pick the outfit she has in mind for the special night while sneaking a touch on the royal blue velvet box tucked between shirts “Oh, you’re gonna get some tonight”.

“Wanna bet?” Adora seconded, slipping her hand in her pant pocket and wrapping her fingers around her own red velvet box and holding it like their happiness will slip through her fingers.

How easy it is for fears to become reality.

  
  
  


**Etheria Bar**

“Where are they?!” Glimmer growled “It’s been 40 minutes!”

Glimmer isn’t the poster child for punctuality herself, but there was late and then there was criminal.

After Adora heard Catra booked a brief gig at the Eternia bar, their favorite inclusive pub in town, she knew it was the perfect time to pop the question. And she wanted everyone who loved them and supported them through thick and thin to be there for them. And infuriate them with their lack of sense for time.

“They said they’re on their way, sweetie. You want me to order you another drink?” Bow laid a hand on Glimmer lovingly.

Although Bow wasn’t one to complain when another was down, it was annoying to wait for almost an hour in high-chairs that soured up your ass in all the wrong ways.

“How can they possibly tell me this’ll be a special night for them, make me help prepare stuff and then be this late?! I swear, if they come over here with the excuse that they “got lost in the moment” and had a quickie  _ one more time-- _ ”

“Hi, guys!” exclaimed Adora walking up to them with Catra next to her.

“Hey, you made it!” Perfuma jumped to hug them “We have been patiently awaiting you to join us!”

“Which isn’t a problem for us at all! Except for Glimmer who is already a bit drunk” that last part Scorpia whispered behind her palm.

“Do you have any idea how uncomfortable these waiting high-chairs are for short gals like me?!” Glimmer slurred while Bow slipped a hand around her waist to keep her level.

“Sorry, Sparkles. But  _ someone  _ insisted I finish all my chores before I could get ready. And I wanted to look good tonight” shrugged Catra.

“Good is an understatement” Adora commented as she helped Catra twirl to give everybody a chance to admire her belated efforts.

Catra looked positively captivating with a pair of red leather skinny high waists with a slightly darker v-neck crop top with puffed up short sleeves as she sported aggressive black stilettos, hoop earrings and lazily tied downwards side ponytail with a faux red rose woven. Catra comes of latina heritage and although she has no background memories of it whatsoever, she tries to claim a piece of her origins by occasionally accessorizing in trademark symbols of the culture.

Her lips were dark red and her cat-liner made her look like she was ready to leave a string of broken hearts tonight.

“You guys look amazing!” just because his butt hurts from cheap barstools, doesn’t mean Bow isn’t ready to support his friends with all the compliments in the world.

But Glimmer was determined to hold a grudge with puffy cheeks “Just because you two look like you strolled here from a limo back from the red carpet doesn’t mean I’m fine with this”.

“Sorry Glimmer” the couple said in unison.

“I promise to dedicate most of my songs to you tonight,” added Catra.

“And I’ll get us cocktails on me” Adora sealed the deal.

After a few seconds of stronghold to keep her pride intact, Glimmer sighed “Fine! Gabbie’s Broken Girls from you and a mai tai from you”.

“That jerk from work made you mad again?” asked Scorpia.

“Furious!” said Glimmer while angrily draining the last of her waiting drink.

Everyone nodded in unison. That guy really was a jerk.

Bow kissed Glimmer’s cheek and helped her hop off to sit at their proper reserved table.

  
  


Before Catra walked upstage, her guitar strapped to her torso, she turned and caught Adora’s lips in a brief but deep kiss and with a smile walked on stage.

As she adjusted the mic, she started warming the crowd up “All right, everybody feeling good tonight? I know I am after that killer margarita mix by Rogelio, your bartender for the night. Can everybody give it up for Rogelio?”

Everybody broke into whoops of cheer. Rogelio kept rubbing his neck in shyness.

“Lonnie and Kyle are a lucky bunch. Anyway, whether you’re a regular or new here; my name’s Catra, I’m here to make you feel good about being in a bar on a Wednesday night and give you some toons”.

Again the crowd erupted in encouragement with a few particularly positive yells from her table. Adora went “Go Catra!” then turned to neighbouring tables with a smug grin “that’s my girlfriend.  _ My  _ girlfriend”.

“Alright already, you’re gonna make me get a big head” teased Catra while checking the strap on her neck.

“Too late for that!” yelled someone, earning a few laughs. She couldn’t really tell, but she thought she recognized Glimmer’s voice in that one.

“Some of you are laughing too hard at that” she smiled in good fun, “Well, without further ado, let’s start. This one’s called Broken Girls by Gabbie Hana and I dedicate this song to a pain in the ass named Glitter”.

Glimmer responded in a very ceremonial flip-off. Catra grinned devilishly and began, filling the room with the sound of her raspy beautiful voice.

The rest of the night followed with lots of laughter at stupid jokes, occassional fruity shots and a lot of sing-alongs of which Catra agreed to after a steady line of empty whisky glasses started lining up the stage.

“Alright, people. It’s…” Catra squinted at the clock mounted on the wall next to a rainbow LGBTQIA+ flag “...11:30 something and the bar will be closing soon so I want to cap this off with a final song of mine”.

People’s woo-s had less bravado as there was more liquor than energy in their bodies but nobody got up to leave.

“This is one of the first songs I ever wrote, it’s called “She”. It’s very personal to me so you better like it. I was young and confused and very, very much in love. Long story short, years later I got the girl”.

Aw’s split across the crowd. Catra locked eyes with Adora and gave her the most loving smile she could. Adora’s face felt hot and she couldn’t fathom the blooming affection in her chest.

“So I dedicate this song to the love of my life. Adora, this is for you”.

Adora has heard this song millions of times before and her heart fluttered in every single one of them. Tonight was no exception.

Catra cast her eyes down, slightly red and pumped by her new-found vulnerability.

Her lips parted and as she strummed softly, she began.

_ “Am I allowed to look at her like that? _

_ Could it be wrong, when she's just so nice to look at? _

_ She smells like lemongrass and sleep _

_ She tastes like apple juice and peach _

_ You would find her in a Polaroid picture _

_ And she means everything to me” _

Catra glanced at her lover. Adora mouthed  _ I love you.  _ Catra’s heart went gelatinous.

_ “I'd never tell _

_ No, I'd never say a word _

_ And oh it aches _

_ But it feels oddly good to hurt _

_ She smells like lemongrass and sleep _

_ She tastes like apple juice and peach _

_ You would find her in a Polaroid picture _

_ And she means everything to me _

_ And I'll be okay _

_ Admiring from afar _

_ Cause even when she's next to me _

_ We could not be more far apart _

_ Cause she tastes like birthday cake and story time and full _

_ But to her _

_ I taste of nothing at all”. _

That line always makes Adora sad. It was a bitter reminder that there was a time when Catra thought Adora never saw her. They’ve talked about it and she doesn’t think that anymore, not since the day they first kissed. But still, it makes her ache when she hears it exist as a past reality for her lover.

_ “Cause she smells like lemongrass and sleep _

_ She tastes like apple juice and peach _

_ You would find her in a Polaroid picture _

_ And she means everything to me _

_ Yes, she means everything to me... _

Catra paused for a couple of seconds, not looking up. And then she did, locking eyes with Adora holding a mesmerized expression of woe and completion, finished.

_ She means everything to me”. _

  
  


After hearing the final strum the crowd used the last of their energy to clap their hearts out.

“You guys have been wonderful sports. I’m Catra Rivera, check the name out online if you’d like to hear more originals and thanks for coming” she stood up and took a flamboyant bow, praying her stilettos don’t land her on the obituaries.

  
  


The bar slowly began emptying out and when Catra walked down from the stage, Perfuma jumped to hug her, being then followed by Scorpia scooping both of them up in the ultimate hug “You sounded like a star! That was awesome!”

“I especially liked the part when your voice slipped a note and you choked on your own saliva” grinned Glimmer.

Catra laughed “Blow me, Glitter”.

“Hey!” Adora pouted “That’s my job!”

“Of course, it is. What was I thinking?” Catra booped her nose to Adora’s and grinned “Hi, babe.”

Adora blushed but stayed put, enjoying the contact “You were magical. I couldn’t take my eyes off you for a second”. 

Adora tucked a strand of hair behind Catra’s ear and whispered “I’m going to ruin you tonight”.

A well of arousal throbbed down Catra’s lower abdomen and her earlobe got tingly.

She recovered quickly though, fashioning a mischievous confident grin while lightly stroking Adora’s waist “Sounds like a solid plan to me. You might wanna call in sick for work, though”.

“Way ahead of you. You’re gonna need me home tomorrow after I’m done with you tonight”.

“WOULD YOU TWO STOP FLIRTING AND HURRY UP ALREADY?!” snapped Glimmer.

“Hey, come on now. They’re 24 and in love, leave them be. You  _ know  _ we’re  _ way  _ worse” teased Bow. 

“Yeah, Sparkles,” teased Catra, “you don’t hear me complain when I get drunk voicemails at 3 a.m. explaining in detail what you’re about to do to Bow”.

“That was  _ one  _ time!” cried Glimmer and Bow, both equally red and uncomfortable.

Everyone burst into laughter at the couple’s expense and Perfuma gave the both of them reassurance that it is okay to have embarrassing stories.

“Wanna get out of here? I wanna take a walk with you before we head to Glimmer’s” asked Adora, twirling a curl of Catra’s gently between her fingers. Her hair somehow always smelled of chestnuts. The kind that crackle on the cart grills in the streets during piercing winters. Their favorite comfort food they’d spoil each other with when Sheila didn’t bother collecting the change from their grocery errands. 

Catra purred, a gag between them earned by the “kitty” nickname turned to habit “Lead the way, princess”.

  
  


With nothing but lamp posts lighting up the curb, Adora and Catra walked hand in hand with Catra humming and feeling amused when she hears that Adora is humming along.

Catra didn’t think anything of it at first, but every detail of the street registered as these familiar pieces of a hazy puzzle that made her feel the tiniest bit enchanted.

The candy shop on the other side, the dimmed lamp light that allowed you to maintain veiled intentions while shooting for bravery in the dark night, the permanent chalk art of Rama that never seems to wash away. And overhead, most importantly, a park that becomes a park after crossing the old rickety bridge.

Catra chuckled and stroked the outer palm of Adora’s hand she was holding “Usually you’re really shit at surprises”.

“You recognize the place?” Adora asked, happy and slightly relieved.

Catra laughed, linking her hand to Adora’s “How could I forget? Our rendezvous”.

  
  
  


**18 Years Ago**

Sheila wasn’t nice to Catra, ever. But today she was particularly mean to her. Adora was six years old, and there was a lot about the world she didn’t understand; why some kids got parents and some didn’t, how people turned their backs on family for drugs as she’d witnessed Sheila’s customers do. But perhaps the biggest mystery of all to her was why people treated the helpless badly. 

Sheila treated her like a prodigy, gave her the biggest piece of the meal on the table, if the orphanage got good funding she’d be the first one to get new shoes for school and a new pillow. Once, she even got to pick her own mattress.

But for reasons she could never quite understand, this never happened to Catra. She wasn’t as compliant as Adora was (not by half even) but she always got the boot on things.

Today wasn’t any different. She and barefoot Catra were playing outside (she wasn’t part of the lucky few who got to buy new shoes for the start of first grade) and when they got back in to wash up for work, Catra stormed right in careless of the fact that she was staining the carpet.

“Catra!” Adora warned her, the “t” coming out with a whistling sound due to the gap where Adora’s front tooth used to be now vacant thanks to Catra’s rowdy games “Get off, you’re making the whole living room dirty! Sheila’ll get mad”.

Catra’s face went from cold panic to a defiant growl “I.don’t.care.” and started stomping purposefully this time.

Adora grabbed Catra by the shirt and started dragging her outside “Stop it! She’ll punish you!”

But Catra pushed Adora off “At least she’ll have a reason to do it now”.

Years later into their future, Adora recalls those words from time to time. She always thought it was Catra being her stubborn self. But after connecting the pieces, she realized that Catra needed to get punished for something she did, because it hurt too much to be punished for just being her. Whenever she remembers, she grabs Catra’s hands and kisses them like water in heat.

Little Catra started laughing mischievously while Adora kept trying to get her to go out when Catra bumped into something.

She looked up to see Sheila, green tired eyes looking into her heterochromic ones like needles.

When Catra has bad days, she dreams of those eyes staring at her.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she asked, her hand digging into Catra’s little shoulder tightly.

“I-I-” all bravado was lost from Catra’s actions and she seemed to coil in on herself, like a remorseful flower in winter.

Adora, bless her tiny heart, mustered the courage to diffuse the situation “M-m-miss Sheila, we were just playing outside for a bit a-and we--” 

“Adora, darling, could you go fetch a bucket and soap for Catra so that she can get started on cleaning her mess?” Sheila said almost gently.

Adora nodded hesitantly and glanced at Catra to see the terrified look on her face trying its hardest to come off as brave.

She quickly filled a bucket with water and dumped soap and a sponge on it and ran to the living room as fast as possible.

Sheila didn’t dismiss Adora to fetch things to make Catra’s work easy. She separates them when she wants to punish Catra in ways she can’t when Adora’s there to defend her.

The first thing she heard when she stepped into the living room was the sound of palm hitting skin, a sharp slap right across Catra’s chubby cheek. And the next sound was Catra breaking faux pride and erupting in desperately lonely tears.

“You dirty, dirty little girl” Sheila sneered “tears are for the innocent. Don’t do the deed if you’re not ready to take its responsibilities”.

This was the 2nd time Catra had been hit. The first time was when she repeated the word “Fuck” after hearing Sheila say it on the phone many times. The next one would be when she’d be caught drawing a naked woman on her school notebook. Light thumps to her head would follow whenever she turned in misspelled homework and F marked exams. 

Catra hissed at her like a cat and ran off outside.

Adora’s throat felt wobbly the way it did every time she’d see Catra cry. She let go of the bucket and ran after her, ignoring Sheila’s warning to bring her back soon before the dirt dried.

A part of her wrestled with the idea to mimic Catra’s messiness in solidarity. But all that would happen then would be Catra getting punished even more for being a bad influence. 

Adora knew where Catra would be. The only place she ever liked in the city.

  
  


Catra sat on the bridge railing, hugging the piece of wood holding the railing erect.

She wasn’t wailing anymore, but pained tears kept rolling uncontrollably from her reddened, hopeless eyes. Like the ugly duckling waiting for a mother that would never arrive, heartbroken.

When she spotted Adora sitting next to her she scoffed “Here to tell me “I told you so, Catra” or “It  _ was  _ your fault, Catra” or “You never listen, Catra”? Well, save it”.

“I didn’t come here for that” Adora lowered her eyes “does your cheek hurt?”

“Who cares? It’s not the last time it’s gonna happen” Catra rubbed her cheek, slightly reddened.

It prickled in hot microscopic pinches. It didn’t compared to the way it hurt to feel like you earned it.

“I care” Adora scooched closer. Catra growled and scooched further. Adora just kept following her.

“Cut it out!” Catra yelled at her. 

“I’m sorry I left you alone with her,” Adora said earnestly.

Catra’s eyes started tearing up again because, yes, that hurt too “It’s not your job to protect me. I’ll protect myself! I don’t need you or anybody else!”

Adora seemed hurt. She stood up and walked away.

_ Knew it  _ thought Catra as more tears spilled from her eyes, breaking her indifference.

A minute later Adora came back with a baggie in her hands and sat back down next to Catra.

Catra tried really hard to pretend she didn’t care, but her twitchy nose betrayed her.

Adora had a smug grin on as she spread the bag open to reveal freshly roasted chestnuts, the color of Catra’s hair.

“Where d’you get those? Did you steal them, dummy?!” Catra asked concernedly.

Adora pouted “No, I had change in my pocket”.

“Adora, no! We were saving those for Disneyland!!” Catra scolded in disappointed over their brilliant plan to run away foiled.

“Want one?” she offered.

Catra gave one final effort to look un-intrigued.

“Come on, I know you want one” Adora nudged.

She cracked one open for herself and started making yummy noises.

Catra relented “Fine! But just one!”

Adora giggled when Catra grabbed a fistful.

They ate silently for a couple of minutes. 

“I know you don’t need me. You’re the toughest person ever” whispered Adora softly.

She held out an empty chestnut shell that slightly resembled the shape of a heart “I hope you’ll let me in anyway”.

Catra sniffled and looked at the shell curiously.

“One day, I’m gonna marry you” announced Adora assuringly “I’m gonna marry you and then no one can hurt you again. I’m gonna get you 100 shoes and we’re gonna eat chestnuts all day and we’re gonna have 100 babies and make every day the bestest day ever!”

She turned to Catra’s surprised face “So don’t get used to this, cause we’ll be husband and wife and we’ll be happy”.

Catra stared at Adora like she’d figured the formula that was right under their noses this whole time. Her face burned in both cheeks.

She held Adora’s hand tightly “I’ll be the husband!”

“I’ll be the wife!” agreed Adora.

They giggled at their sturdy plan.

“Hey, Adora?” asked Catra after a while.

“Yeah?” said Adora, munching on the last chestnut.

“Did you really mean it? Are you going to marry me?” 

“Of course I did!” said Adora seriously “When we’re older, I’ll marry you”.

“Promise?”

“I promise”.

  
  
  


**18 Years Later**

Adora, the straightedge that she is, didn’t drink a drop of alcohol yet and so was able to successfully help Catra maneuver her steps across the park to get to the bridge.

At the center lay a spread cloth, with tinsel lights wrapped around the sides. There was also a bottle of wine and a tray with an assortment of cheeses. 

The middle had a heart shape trailed by chestnuts.

“What’s this?” Catra froze.

“Tada!” Adora grinned goofily “A mini-date session with just the two of us and our favorite spot!”

Adora immediately sat down excitedly with Catra following her in slower movement.

“We got wine, those cheeses you like, the lights will help us not fall off the bridge. Oh! And, I got music!” Adora pulled out her phone playing “Ma Belle Evangeline” from Princess and the Frog, one of Catra’s favorite romance songs.

Catra’s face was a combination of shocked, curious and in disbelief.

“Oh and the best part,” Adora traced the heart shape with her fingers “chestnuts! Like the ones we’d have every time we’d come here, remember?”

“You fucking moron,” Catra’s eyes were glossy and she was laughing. 

She grabbed Adora by the collar and pulled her in for the most loving kiss she could hope to give to her lover.

Adora graciously returned the sentiment, gently stroking Catra’s jaw and exploring her mouth with a velvet tongue.

When they broke apart, Adora’s grin could probably signal extraterrestrial life “Wine?”

_ Look how she lights up the sky, ma belle Evangeline _

Catra cracked a mean joke that had Adora almost guffaw off the bridge.

_ So far above me yet I, know her heart belongs to only me _

They linked their hands as they held their wine glasses and tried to take sips without giggling and tipping the wine out the glass and on their clothes.

_ Love is beautiful, love is wonderful _

Catra looked into Adora’s blue eyes and tried to say cute things she loved about her in an angry tone and Adora, try as she might, could not keep her laughter. She lost the round and took a bite of the stinky cheese neither liked as per game rules.

_ Love is everything, do you agree? Mais oui! _

When they were done with the bottle, they both lay on the rickety wood, Catra tracing syllables inside of Adora’s palm to guess the word while they looked at the stars. 

Her blue and greenish-yellow eyes looked at Adora as if she could disappear at any moment.

_ Someone as beautiful as she, who loves someone like me _

Adora turned to look at Catra and smiled one of her sweet I’m-so-dorky-and-in-love smiles “Catra?”

“Hm?” she offered in a content voice.

“Remember the first time we hung out here?”

Catra chuckled smugly “Remember? I  _ showed  _ you this place.”

“Remember what we talked about? A promise?”

How could she ever forget? It was that one single memory that gave Catra any hope for years to come and then subsequently broke her heart in false resentment. What kept her trying; the idea that she’d been promised to be given happiness instead of having to fish for it or earn the demo version of it that expired as soon as she had nothing left of herself to lose.

“More or less” she admitted hesitantly.

“Well…” Catra couldn’t believe her eyes. 

Was Adora,  _ nervous?  _ In front of  _ her?  _ The person who’d seen all the faces one could ever see or smell all the smells one could ever smell coming out of Adora? 

Catra couldn’t resist a dominant smile.  _ Relax, baby. _

Adora sat up swiftly and Catra followed suit “You okay, love?”

“I love you,” blurted Adora.

“Well, gee, that’s a complete surprise” Catra rolled her eyes and tucked a strand of hair off Adora’s face behind her ear “I love you too, you cute idiot”.

“And I wanna make you happy” Adora started getting fidgety.

“You do make me happy. You make me the happiest woman on the fucking planet”.

“But I wanna make you happy always. I wanna see what our kid will look like even though it’s incredibly expensive to take the procedure where they take two eggs and we’re still way too young--”

“Adora, sweetie, tangent”.

“Right!” Adora cleared her throat and took both of Catra’s hands in hers and looked her right in the eyes “I made you a promise once. And I haven’t always been totally faithful to that promise. But I want to start making good of it now”.

“Adora?” Catra cut her off.

Adora swallowed “Yeah?”   
  
“Will  _ you  _ marry  _ me?”  _ Catra was holding an open blue velvet box with a simplistic beautiful ring inside.

Adora’s jaw swooshed down “Did you just… Did you just hijack  _ my  _ proposal?!”

“Can’t wait for you all day, babe. And yes, of course I’ll marry you, you stupid dumb beautiful amazingly kind and awesome idiot!” Catra jumped Adora, kissing her like a last goodbye.

Adora cut off the kiss just to make sure “So it’s definitely a yes?”

Catra sighed and dug into Adora’s pant pocket.

“Why hello” Adora wriggled her eyebrows.

“Don’t ruin it” Catra found the box, spared a couple of seconds to admire the ring and put it on her finger.

She then took the other one and placed it on Adora’s finger “Fuck, we’re synchronized”.

Their laughter erupted once again, blossoming from their chests in warmth and subsiding to a dying buzz on their lips as they kissed again.

Kissed messily, whispering “I love you”’s and “fuck, we’re getting married”’s in between.

“We’re gonna get married” Catra giggled on top of Adora, bubbling with mirth and letting a few tears escape to fall on Adora’s currently apple-red cheeks.

“We’re gonna be wives” Adora agreed, stealing a peck every couple of seconds “We’re gonna have matching aprons”.

“Eww, gross” they couldn’t stop kissing “You’re such a girl”.

Every second of realization melting into their lips.

Not an inch between them.

_ Love always finds a way, it’s true  _

_ And I love you, Evangeline _

  
  
  
  


  
  


_ From: KITTY _

_ To: ME _

_ Go ahead without us we’re not gonna make it _

“I knew it!” announced Glimmer testily, already texting a reply “I knew they’d ditch us for sex!”

_ From: SPARKLES _

_ To: ME _

_ Fuck you _

_ From: KITTY _

_ To: ME _

_ Counting on it thank you _

  
  


Glimmer shook her head and swallowed a chuckle. What is her life full of weirdos?

  
  


***

Tender kisses morphed into hungry ones that threatened to ruin their clothes.

Adora kicked the door open and pushed Catra on the bed, pouncing on her lustfully before they got a chance to stop feeling every sensation tenfold their original effect.

Catra gasped when she felt Adora bite her bottom lip mid kiss and drag it tentatively.

Hands all over each other, unbuttoning, unzipping and pulling off, Adora tongued just below Catras ear and uncontrollably whispered “I really wanna fuck your brains out right now”.

Catra swallowed an aroused moan and instead grabbed Adora by the head with a fiery look in her eyes “Then what’re you waiting for?!”

Catra crashed their lips together again, kissing Adora in the messiest, wettest, dirtiest way possible, not a shred of delicacy left. 

She could taste the stinky cheese on Adora’s mouth and couldn’t care less. She’d eat it off her if it meant tasting Adora right now.

Hips grinding rhythmically, Catra stroked between Adora’s legs with her knee and grabbed the stereo remote turning on Dua Lipa’s Physical, a lesbian’s sexual icon in the making.

Adora traced down Catra’s jaw with pecks, admiring flakes of freckles dancing on her skin, sinking down to her neck and clavicles with bites and sucking abusively while cupping Catra’s breasts firmly . Like she might drop dead if she stopped.

Catra’s exploration stopped short due to the sensations all throughout her torso, hot and rough and fucking fantastic.

“Fuck” she mewled, trying to get the elastic band off Adora’s hair so she could pull it properly.

“Will do” Adora grinned and went to town.

She landed languid kisses on her lover’s stomach while stroking her soaking pussy without much concentrated technique.

Catra looked so lewd from below, her whole body gleaming with sweat, her eyes half open and an expression so lewd Adora couldn’t keep it together. She completely ignored the poking shadow of Catra’s ribs and her hitched breathing. 

“So fucking lewd. And mine” Adora started stroaking Catra’s entrance while tounging her clit roughly.

“Ah!” Catra was going crazy with heat and pleasure. Adora slipped a finger in and then a second, pumping in time with her licks and with her other hand squeezed Catra’s breast, flicking the nipple between knuckles for friction.

Catra gathered Adora’s long blond hair into a fist and started grinding with her lips “Oh, fuck! Adoraaa, please, please, please”

“That’s right” breathed Adora between licks “Moan for me”.

She could feel Catra’s pulse as she slammed three fingers inside of her and curled her fingers, brushing that special spot.

Moaning and panting threatened to make Catra’s throat go dry “So gooood baby, please”

_ So hot and wet and tight  _ Adora thought as she took out her fingers, spread Catra’s pussy lips wide admiring the obscene view and stuck her tongue in.

“Adora!” Catra’s toes curled and she shoved Adora’s head deeper onto her pussy.

Catra was overflowing and Adora lapped it up, her tongue massaging the velvet walls and pressing on a spot that made Catra jump in particular.

Her nose teased the clit and her hands had now latched under Catra’s kneepits, holding her legs firmly wide to give herself better access and make Catra feel filthy.

Although naturally elastic, Catra does yoga and gymnastics to keep in shape and the physical activity has been a blessing on both their sex life. When she bends in ways Adora didn’t know people could try, it always ends with more bending sessions at play.

Catra was shaking and pleading at this point “Baby, I’m gonna-I’m gonna cum, I’m almost there!”

Hearing that, Adora shoved in a dextrous finger in with her tongue for one final, brutal stroke, sending Catra over the edge.

Catra’s orgasm reverberated all through her body, pleasure overtaking all her muscles and her head going a hazy scorching white. She let out a scream that was supposed to make out the word “Adora” but her tongue turned to jelly.

“Oof, that was a big one” grinned Adora, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand “I could feel your pussy tighten up so much, babe. That must’ve felt so good”.

But Adora’s cheerful expression soon faltered when she noticed the way Catra was looking at her.

Hair messed up completely from her friction with the pillow, pupils blown wide and her chest heaving for a good whiff of air.

“You’re next” groaned Catra and with her grip still on Adora’s hair, dragged her to lie down.

It never ceases to amaze Adora how her thinner girlfriend had so much strength to throw the heavier and more voluptuous Adora on the bed whenever they fucked. She never complains though. 

Catra’s a biter, so she sinks her teeth in pretty much every part of Adora’s body she can, teasing the nub of Adora’s nipple between her teeth while her fingers stretched her girlfriend’s pussy and the palm of her other hand keeps palming her lovers clit.

“Fuck, baby,” Adora was panting and feeling needy “So good to me, fuck!”

Catra beamed with pride and licked up Adora’s neck to her ear. “ What do you want, babe? I’ll do whatever the fuck you want”.

Adora swallowed another moan, riled up just by the though of Catra’s availability “Your pussy- ah! I-I, I want your pussy”

“Where do you want it?”

“Against my pussy” gasped Adora.

“I can’t hear you,” said Catra in a sing-song manner, gently pinching Adora’s clit to coax more oomph.

“My pussy!” yelled Adora, shyness she didn’t know she had against their neighbour suddenly popping in her mind. And slight excitement.

“That’s my girl” Catra kissed Adora on the forehead and sat up.

She flipped Adora on her side, raising her leg and aligning their heats together, started rubbing up and down maintaining unbroken eye-contact with Adora.

“You’re a fucking angel” Adora whispered between groans and carnal growls “How the fuck did I end up existing in the same time as you?”

Catra moaned loudly “Fuck, Adora! You’re turning me on so fucking much- ah!”

Adora started to set a rhythm with Catra’s bounces, enjoying the erotic wet sounds and the smell of sex.

The pleasure coursing through her body only increased when she took in the complete view of Catra’s body fucking hers.

She was glowing.

“I love it when you do that, I get to watch your beautiful tits bounce in this position. So fucking beautiful” Adora yoled, “I think I’m gonna melt”.

Catra focused on Adora’s debauched expression and knew she was getting close.

She stopped to untangle from Adora’s legs in favor of hugging the blonde’s naked body to her own.

Catra shoved three fingers inside of Adora while rubbing circles with her clit and crashed their lips together. Adora followed suit.

It wasn’t so much a kiss as it was two tongues fighting in arousal to reach that high again.

“Catra, I-I’m gonna--”

“I know babe, I can-fuck!- I can feel it. You’re so wet and ready to come, aren’t you?”

“Uh-huh!” 

“Do it, baby, come with me” Catra nipped at her lower lip and smiled “My future wife”.

That simple title made Adora fall apart in complete ecstasy, screaming it out and having it swallowed by Catra’s kiss.

The fiances rode out their highs in a deep enthusiastic kiss then finally ran out of steam.

Exhausted, Catra blacked out almost instantly. Adora had the good sense to’ve put a blanket nearby before they left, knowing they’d be too knocked out to sneak under the covers. She found the stereo remote and paused the song.

Catra snuggled up with her face against Adora’s breasts and sighed peacefully..

Before she was completely incoherent, she whispered “You’re my favorite thing about life. That’s... what I was… about... to say... today”.

Can a person die of loving too much? Adora asks herself that all the time. So far she’s living and breathing.

“Stop stealing my lines” Adora whispered back, kissed her lover’s head and lay her head gently next to hers.

My future wife.

How tightly she held onto that reality that night. And how soon it would slip away.

  
  


***

In the morning, Adora woke up to the sound of Catra cursing from the kitchen.

“Motherfucker!”

Without thinking twice, Adora grabbed the nearest object she could find, a lamp, and charged the living room.

“AAAAAA--” Adora stopped dead on her tracks when she saw that there was nothing going on other than Catra making pancakes. ‘Aa?”

Catra had jumped startled when she heard Adora scream and dropped a pancake on the kitchen floor “Adora! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Realizing nothing was wrong, she looked at the lamp she was holding and said “So much. I hear you yell, I thought something was going on!”

Catra’s annoyed face turned to the batter “That’s because this stupid batter won’t cooperate with me. I did just what the recipe said!”

Adora smiled and settled the lamp to go wrap her arms around Catra’s hips “Aw, you’re making breakfast for us?”

“I wanted to do something nice. You know, now that we’re...holy fuck, we’re engaged!” Catra smiled at Adora in disbelief. 

They both gave their rings a once over and Catra allowed herself a contented smile.

Adora kissed that smile “Doesn’t your head hurt? You had quite a bit to drink last night”.

Catra blew a raspberry “You kidding? A couple of glasses of water and I’m fucking dandy. The day alcohol beats me has yet to come”.

A pancake stuck to the pan and Catra let out an irritated noise “How the heck do I do this?”

Adora merely laughed and took the pan from her fiance’s hand, earning a prompt smack on the butt by Catra “I got it, you get the living room to look less messy. We’re having people over in a bit”.

“What?” Catra pouted “I thought we’d at least nudge in a quickie before we had to be adult people again”.

“Come on, Glimmer helped me set last night up. They want to congratulate us, they’re the people that love us” said Adora as she impeccably flipped a perfectly golden pancake.

“Whatever” Catra mused but deep down felt all warm and fuzzy at the idea of having people in her life to share celebrations with.

“And put a shirt on,” yelled Adora “one walk down the aisle and those ta-tas are mine to oggle at!”

“Hah! You wish!” yelled Catra back.

  
  


The doorbell rang and the gang was all together. Even Mermista and Sean made it.

“Sean brought champagne to make mimosas” said Mermista lazily draped on the beanbag in the living room.

There wasn’t much of a space so to speak at Adora and Catra’s apartment but they did have a snug little living room just big enough for 8 people.

“That’s great, I love some orange juice in the morning! Thanks, Sean!” Scorpia scooped the man up in a strong embrace “Sorry, I’m a hugger”.

“Not one more utterance, It is the least I can manage! Especially now that I get a rematch with Adora's threatening bicep over there” Sean procured heroically, his foot triumphantly resting on the coffee table.

“Sean! Foot of the table, jeez!” Mermista turned to the others “I swear, people from Florida have like, no manners”.

“My hand has been feeling very heavy lately” Adora dramatized “Must be because of this engagement ring my girl got me!”

Everybody ooh-ed and awed when they had a look. The ring was simplistic but beautiful; a golden hoop with a small gem ingrained in the center and engraved vine-like patterns on the side. Adora blushed but Catra just rolled her eyes.

“Would you look at that, turns out Catra does have some taste after all” jabbed Glimmer and hooked her arm to Catra’s neck and started scratching her head “I’m so proud of you!”

“Hey, I set up the proposal!” Adora defended herself.

“I beat you to it though” Catra grinned.

“Does it really matter?” asked Perfuma peacefully, earning a “YES!” from everyone.

“Who’s gonna take the last name? Adora Rivera or Catra Eternia?!” asked Bow, in the mood for some tea.

Catra shrugged “I don’t know and I don’t care”.

“We can combine them!” Adora said excitedly, eyes twice their size. 

“Forget that, who’re you gonna name your baby after?! Who’s gonna be godparent?!” asked Glimmer impatiently.

At this, everyone turned sharply to the newly engaged couple.

“We don’t know. Damn, guys! We only  _ just  _ got engaged. We haven’t even talked about babies” Catra snarked.

Adora’s eyes kept getting bigger “Babieeees” and hugged Catra emotionally.

Catra sighed, “So, I guess we’re gonna have babies”.

And that’s how the couple spent hours with friends and then tired of hosting long after they left, they both plopped on the couch having leftover pancakes and watching “Gilmore Girls”.

Lorelai dropped a pan by accident and spontaneously bowed for dramatic effect announcing “And scene!”

Catra cackled making Adora’s chest vibrate with her girlfriend’s husky laughter.

“I wonder what’d be like to have an actual mom. I wonder what mine was like” said Catra silently and coughed slightly.

“She was probably gorgeous,” Adora offered, trying really hard to ignore the cough. Catra told her she’d handle it so she won’t nag her.

“I knew it,” Catra said in an “aha!” tone “I knew you had a Mommy kink”.

“Well, look who’s projecting. You’re the one who’s totally in love with Lorelai” confronted Adora, poking Catra in the rib teasingly. The finger sunk way too easily in.

“I like her because she reminds me of you, you dumb-dumb” Catra said, not looking her in the eyes.

“Aww you like me”.

“I love you, but that doesn’t mean I like you”.

“Sure it doesn’t”.

Both of them guffawed, content in each other’s arms.

  
  


A week went by and Adora felt like she couldn’t be happier. Every day felt like a birthday for both and it felt like nothing could ruin this roll.

She was finishing up the last of her work assignments at the office. 

Catra was at the clinic doing the routine check-up as promised. They made plans to celebrate the green once Catra called.

Adora went to the bathroom to make sure her poof wasn’t ruffled when she finally got the call.

“Hey, honey. You done already? I was just heading out”.

“Adora” Catra called.

“Should I get down? Do you have the car with you? Are you parked at the office parking space?”   
  
“Adora, I’m at the hospital” Catra said flatly. Something sounded off and Adora ignored the fact that her mouth turned cotton.

“Oh, why aren’t you done yet? Is there something wrong?” Ador tried really hard to sound nonchalant but her voice kept quivering.

“They did some tests and the results are in”.

“And?... What is it?” Adora asked, hoping it is something tiny.

Catra’s tone sounded emotionless, but you could hear the tone of hopelessness even through the phone.

“Cancer”.

**_To be continued..._ **

  
  
  
  
  



	2. I Will Survive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming to terms with past mistakes is tough, but it's an exam we're all going to eventually take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiloo, lovelies! Thank you for patience and previous comments, I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter ^^ buckle up good now, cuz were going on a ride!
> 
> Shout-out to my wonderful best friend, beta reader and editor Isa for proofreading and carefully critiquing this fic into its best version!
> 
> Enjoy!

“Cancer” Catra had said.

Cancer. As in the plot device people used in movies to prepare you for the concept of loss As in the one thing historically stronger than human will.

100 different thoughts flashed Adora’s mind, sending her into a state of petrification as her phone started to slip through her fingers. The 101st thought was: don’t freak out Catra. 

Zapping back to reality, Adora clumsily caught the phone before it could fall on the ground.

“I’ll see you in 3 minutes,” she said as gently as possible to the phone, and before hanging up, muttered, “I love you”.

Adora blinked back acidic teardrops as she grabbed her backpack and without greeting the guard as she usually did when she walked out. She sprinted from her office building to the clinic 2 blocks away with the kind of speed that made your knees hurt and your feet feel the hardness of the tarmac beyond the soles of your shoes.

Adora’s heart threatened to thump out of her chest and she felt familiar anxiety bubble up in her veins as it used to long ago. Fear, threat, and pressure all rolled into one, strong enough to outdo her if it weren’t for Catra.

Suddenly, Adora’s head was supplied with memories of tired limbs hunched over a hospital bed, blood, and delusion being the only thing left for that person to give. Adora had never seen Glimmer look more terrified than she did when she stared at her mother’s skin; grey and desolate. “Reaper skin” Glimmer would call it, a signal of inevitable death. She had felt useless when she couldn’t find a single thing she could say to make her best friend feel better. Today, she forgave herself because in this situation, she’s realized, there is no better.

When Adora reached the clinic entrance, she allowed herself a minute to catch her breath so as not to look like she ran over like a maniac and freak Catra out more than she already probably is. The tightness in her chest and the non-yielding breathlessness could wait. This wasn’t about her, this was about Catra. 

Catra had spent the majority of her life shrouded in impermanence and constantly unstable circumstances. She needed to have one constant in her life, that one familiar thing that made you want to hang on tight and hope. And Adora had promised herself that that’s exactly who she would be. 

_ So pull it together!  _ She ordered herself and beat her chest once as if to will her heart to cooperate. She tuned it out when it wouldn’t.

The clinic smelled of bleach, burning Adora’s post-cry nostrils and the white neon light staring down at her like God’s stare, trailing a chill down her spine. She spoke to a nurse that led her to the clinic’s consultancy offices. A nameplate stuck to the door read “ONCOLOGIST” in threatening black letters. 

When she walked in, Catra was sitting in front of the doctor’s desk, her back to the door and when she heard Adora’s voice greet them, she didn’t move an inch. The doctor, a wide woman with purple hair and a gentle look got up to welcome her, 

“Hello, I take it you are the emergency contact? Miss Eternia?”

“Uh, yes. I’m her partner, Adora Eternia” she smiled politely and shook the doctor’s hand. When Adora sat down, Catra turned her head, face completely blank of expression, and no tear in sight.

“Hey, Adora” Catra cracked a smile but her heart wasn’t in it.

“Hi, baby” Adora took Catra’s hand in hers and gave it a quick peck. The doctor smiled sympathetically, 

“Thank you for coming in with us here, Miss Eternia. I am Dr. Spinerella, I’ll be the specialist guiding you in this process and I am here for whatever you may need so do not feel shy to ask. Now that we’re all present, I’ll explain in detail. Miss Rivera didn’t want to start without you”. Adora felt Catra grip her hand tightly on her lap. Her heart could barely take it.

“First of all, kudos to you Miss Eternia for advising Miss Rivera to do a check-up, that might make the difference between many factors”.

The doctor proceeded to inform the couple that Catra’s irregular breathing pattern was a classic symptom of complications.

“Upon scanning, my colleagues and I concluded that Miss Rivera has a case of lung carcinoma, a stage 3 lung tumor with the potential of spreading across other organs of the body. If we’d caught it the least bit later, the situation might’ve been definitively terminal. You’re a hero”.

Catra hooked her leg to Adora’s below the table. Adora wanted to wrap her whole in a blanket and take her home, away from bleached corridors and death.

“Definitively? So it’s not terminal?” asked Adora, pathetically trying to hold the hope from her voice. The Doctor’s face didn’t relax, 

“Not yet, I’m afraid. Catra has to start treatment immediately if she’s to move from the risk zone. Her immune system doesn’t seem to be very strong and her lungs are effortfully responsive. She must start treatment as soon as possible and keep her health in peak condition to fight the spread as much as possible and have the body be durable enough to withstand therapy. For now though, I just need to ask a few questions regarding your health history so that I can talk it out with a radiologist.” Dr. Spinerella stopped to look Catra in the eyes with an empathetic gaze, 

“If you’re comfortable. You can write it down later if you prefer, but I like to have a face-to-face eval with my patients so I can learn and best accommodate their preferences on how to approach treatment. That okay with you?”

Catra simply nodded. Adora could feel her lover’s pulse race against her wrist. The doctor clicked her pen and braced for notes, 

“Have you had any previous physical health complications?”

“None that I would’ve known of,” said Catra. Dr. Spinerella jotted down information accordingly.

“Allergies?”

“Er-, joy”.

Adora jabbed Catra in the ribs. The doctor couldn’t suppress a smile.

“Anything matter-like in substance?”

“Penicillin”.

Sheila had discovered the hard way that Catra shouldn’t be medicated with over-the-counter penicillin meds. Adora had stroked her hand repeatedly and helped her take her mind off choking for air while 9-1-1 was on its way. Even though the blue in her eyes made Catra lose breath even more.

“Any substance abuse of any kind? Recreational drugs, smoking, drinking?”

“Smoking”.

Catra seemed semi-ashamed and consciously avoided Adora’s eyes. They try to put those days behind them so Catra doesn’t ruminate in the temptation.

“Age and duration of exposure? If you can remember”. Catra cleared her throat, 

“Uh, yeah. 14 years old. Lasted for about 7 or 8 years. The last ones were sort of on and off”. The doctor’s eyes softened in apology, 

“Any relapses ever since?” Adora’s body stiffened but Catra was frank, 

“Nope. Not in 4 years. I’ve been good”.

She looked at Adora with an assuring nod, making Adora smile at her and squeeze her hand in a sign of support.

The questions felt endless and when Catra and Adora were finally completely spent on answers and emotional bandwidth, they were ready to leave.

“I’ll contact you as soon as I have a treatment plan hashed out with my colleagues” Dr. Spinerella instructed while shaking both their hands.

“Thank you, doctor. We’ll be in touch” Adora gave a polite smile and walked out, her hands cradling Catra’s shoulders and Catra remaining stiff. A nurse gave the couple a folder with details from the CT scan and a pamphlet for cancer patients and the steps to be taken.

“It’s like a “Cancer for Dummies” brochure” mused Catra bitterly. Mortified, Adora looked at the nurse who merely chuckled.

When they got in the car, Catra got to the driver’s seat and Adora the passenger’s. No matter what the situation was, something between them was always crystal clear: Adora and the wheel didn’t mix.

They didn’t drive right away. Instead, they spent 15 minutes in the parking lot in complete agonizing silence. Adora could hear her heartbeat thumping in her ears and she was doing her best to keep her eyes from watering. She opted to look at Catra instead. Catra’s eyes were focused on the wheel where her hands were. You could barely see her breathe, merely hear the air through her nose forcefully inhale.

“Babe, are you--” Catra punched the wheel full raging force, startling Adora into stillness.

“Fuck this,” muttered Catra and turned the ignition on.

The car ride was excruciatingly silent, but Adora knew better than to get on Catra’s case while she was driving. Adora’s engagement ring twirled effortlessly around her finger from the sweat built up in her palms.

They climbed up the stairs to their apartment, Catra pretended she didn’t notice the discreet glances Adora threw her to see if she needed help climbing the stairs. They both sat on the living room couch, contemplative. Before Adora could volunteer the first word in the whole 25 minutes spent since leaving the hospital, Catra giggled.

“Finally” she started laughing almost hysterically.

“Catra? Honey, you’re freaking me out here” Adora tried to get closer but Catra stood up with an amused look on her face, spacing Adora away. She laughed some more until her face melted into a cold sneer, 

“I finally got cut some fucking slack in this fucked up life of mine where every day I opened my eyes I asked myself “Why  _ the fuck  _ am I alive if all I do is  _ hurt _ ?!” and now, when I get a smidge of happiness that I  _ earned  _ by suffering, dragging the people I love around my bullshit and trying still, now that I wanna marry the love of my life and finally fucking  _ live _ I learn I’m gonna die? What fucking bullshit is this, Universe? Huh?! Well, fuck you straight to high hell then!”

Tears began to stream down Catra’s hurt eyes but she couldn’t stop even as her breathing kept hitching “Haven’t I at least earned the right to see what my kids would look like before you end me in the slowest, most agonizing way possible?! Not to mention that I’ll be paying money for it!” Catra dropped to her knees and started hitting the ground, “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Adora hurried down to the floor next to her lover, 

“Catra, stop that right now!” She grabbed her hands, wrestling with Catra which ended with Adora enveloping her into a tight and desperate hug. They couldn’t decide which of them needed it most.

Catra gave a couple of pathetic attempts to break from the hug but eventually stopped and returned the embrace, fists bunched so tightly behind Adora’s back that the pulled fabric of the button-up made the top button dig into her throat. Her body shook as she cried wretchedly and her blubbering voice threatened to break her partner into a million pieces.

“Listen to me,” Adora said after a few minutes, emerging from Catra’s mess of curls at the crook of her neck to instead link their foreheads “We’re going to beat this. The two of us together”. Catra let out a wet laugh, 

“Yeah, sure. Like in “The Fault of Our Stars” and “Me and Earl and the Dying Girl”.” Adora dug her forehead firmly to Catra’s to emphasize, 

“I mean it! Catra, I need you now more than ever before to believe in me. Believe me when I say that we’re gonna beat this and believe that I will make sure our kids get tired of how much we’ll love them and how not moldy our home will be and we’re gonna be so incredibly happy”. Catra let out a teary cough and her eyes burned from crying and potential images of the future.

“I need you to believe in me. I’ll do whatever you want and need from this moment onward but all I ask in return is for you to believe in me. Please?”

“I finally feel the will to live and  _ now  _ I get terminal cancer. Alanis Morisette couldn’t have written this verse better herself”.

“Please?!” Catra hesitated and then let go, the way Adora always makes her do, 

“Of course, you dumbass”. _For you, I’ll try until I drop dead_ thought Catra.

Adora touched her cheek against Catra’s and stroked the back of her head, 

“As long as I’m around, nothing really bad will happen, not while we have each other. Remember?”Catra nestled into Adora’s neck. She wanted to be tough about it. She knew Adora would put on a brave front just to be there for her, but her voice betrayed her, 

“I’m scared”.

“I know,” Adora whispered back, “it’s the side-effect of being smart. It’ll wear off once we’re married”. Catra finally laughed a genuine, sweet laugh,

“You’re a moron”.

“Then don’t even think for a second, of leaving this moron alone. I’m lost without you. Okay?”

_ No promises  _ Catra wanted to say. 

“Never,” she said instead.

After a long time spent holding each other on the shaggy living room carpet, Catra crawled and plopped on the couch, completely spent of it all. Adora ordered Chinese food on the phone while fetching a blanket for Catra and wrapping her in it. Catra wanted to quip something morbid to get Adora to stop fussing over her so patronizingly but grounded herself in rationale.

_She needs this,_ she thought. _Or else she’ll drive herself crazy with passive worry as usual._ They snuggled together watching YouTube and eating takeout.

“Can we really afford to get takeout? Since, you know, now most of the money’s gonna go for chemo” Catra scoffed, tossing the chicken around the box and not eating it. Adora fed Catra a bite from her own box 

“Less fussing, more eating. You have to keep your immunity up. And you don’t have to worry about that, you just worry about whether you want white or dirty rice on your meal until you’re all better”.

“Whatever, mom,” sassed Catra and accepted the bite from her fiance’s chopsticks.

“Don’t you sass me, young lady” Adora joked, but her hand stroked Catra’s lap fondly. Catra sighed and rested her head against the couch, 

“What a shitty day”. Adora chuckled,

“Amen to that”.

“I’m sorry,” Catra said sadly.

“Yeah. How dare you not breathe properly?” Adora pulled Catra’s body to hers “I’m the idiot in this relationship, don’t crowd me”. Catra buried her face in Adora’s chest, inhaling the scent of Adora’s sweat from running that somehow Catra was fond of, 

“You’re not an idiot. You’re a freaking angel”.

“Awww, you’re just saying that to get me to sleep with you” Adora teased.

_ Can we just do this instead?  _ Catra wondered.  _ Do we have to go through more? Can’t we just skip the hard part this time? _

  
  


***

Pulse threatening to scream, damp hair from panicked sweat and mouth completely dry, Adora made sure that Catra was fast asleep before getting out of bed in the middle of the night. She swallowed the impending panic and spared a few seconds to look at Catra.

Her sleeping face is so peaceful, years of torment and hardening melted from her features replaced instead with an innocent expression. Her brown complexion made her freckles look like dust that Adora always instinctively reaches to rub. The curve of Catra’s body cast a silhouette across their room that looked like desert dunes when Adora couldn’t sleep and the line tracing her breasts underneath the tucked sheet fashioned a passionate mark Adora left a few nights ago. Back when the world was wonderful and good for the first time in forever.

Adora could feel her eyes water involuntarily with fear and grief.

Not able to take one more second without completely losing composure, Adora tip-toed to the bathroom, glancing one last time at the sleeping Catra for good measure. She locked the door and didn’t come out for a very long time.

  
  
  
  


***

Catra wasn’t nitpicky when it came to apartments, but if there’s one solid reason she’d move out of this one in a heartbeat for, it would be thanks to the wonky curtain formation that for some reason had a hole that made the morning sun pierce right onto Catra’s face.

_It’s like they had it measured_ Catra growled in her sleep. She grabbed the pillow next to her and pushed it against her face.

And then it happened.

Adora pulled the pillow off Catra and holding a hairbrush, she sang in time with the stereo “ _At first I was afraid, I was petrified!”_ Catra could not comprehend the scene unfolding before her. Adora, only in her underwear, wiggled her butt at her girlfriend as she continued “ _Oh no, not I! I will surviveeee”._

“Is this  _ actually  _ happening? Are you actually singing that to me right now?” Catra flew up, flabbergasted.

“What?” Adora shrugged goofily, her body still shimmying to the music, 

“It’ll be our fight song”.

“Do you realize how in poor taste that is?!”

“Ah!” Adora held a finger up as if she’s out-maneuvered every argument they’ll ever have again “If I were your girlfriend, yes! But I am no longer your mere lover, I am your committed fiance which means that nothing I do can be in poor taste in the eyes of my betrothed”. Catra let out a defeated laugh, 

“That’s not how marriage works, you freaking giant!”

Adora grabbed Catra by the waist and pulled her inches from her face “We’re not the commonwealth”.

“Ew,” Catra pushed Adora’s face off “your morning breath will probably end me before cancer does”.

“You’re stronger than both of those combined!” Adora said triumphantly, trying really hard not to let the dark joke affect her.

“Stronger than cancer, maybe,” Catra admitted “but your breath? No chance”.

“Oh yeah? C’mere you” Adora wrestled Catra around their bed until she successfully pinned her down.

“Morning kiss” she exclaimed manically, blowing air at Catra’s face.

“Stahp! Adora, I’m dying!” Catra wheezed in laughter, breathing only through her mouth.  Their lips found each other, shutting both of them up for a few good moments as Gloria Gaynor proudly kept proclaiming in the background “ _I will survive!”_

**10 years ago**

14 isn’t an easy age. Your body keeps changing rapidly, subconscious feelings start blooming and suddenly, Catra couldn’t look at Adora the same way she did the day before. Something about the way Adora’s brows scrunched up when she was trying to study and the way she gasped when something unpredictable happened on TV. Even her bare legs in the summer heat.

They lounged like lazy cats on the porch plank. It was around a week before Adora got a notice in the mail that she’d been accepted to Brightmoon High School for Gifted Youth. One week before she’d be taken away from Catra for a long time. But today it was too hot for anything. It was too hot to bear Adora’s bruised fair legs that laid at awkward angles of the plank, her lying down posture being horrible and her straw-colored hair tied up into a bun to show her adolescently pimpled but bright face. 

Her lips were sucking on an ice cube lazily, the slurping sounds making Catra guiltily curious. An air conditioner was something you read about in storefronts, not something you had at Sheila’s house. And when they couldn’t buy popsicles cause they blew their allowances on a Back to the Future marathon renting and movie snacks haul, they made ice cubes and munched on them instead. Catra bit and shaved the cube in her mouth. _Aggressive by nature_ , as Sheila always said. She was terrified that Adora caught her staring but then saw in Adora’s eyes that she was staring, too. The pair broke into a fit of giggles.

“I feel like my organs have all turned to slushy” Adora moaned indignantly.

“I hope I go bald” announced Catra flinging her hair to the side “this hair is going to be the death of me”. Before Adora could follow up another remark, Sheila came to the porch, rendering the girls to compliant silence. She didn’t even register them. Sheila dug into her pocket a pack of cigarettes, pulled one out and lit it, inhaling the substance, and blowing out smoke. For a glorious moment, the young girls witnessed their foster mother in a state of complete relaxation, something they’d never really seen before. Sheila dragged another puff and blew, her pale brown lips almost smiling. Catra was transfixed; Sheila, the most stressed human being she’d ever seen in and out of TV was actually completely at peace for one whole minute. But it was too good to last. Sheila felt the girls’ gaze on her and turned to them, 

“Want a smoke?”Both girls shook their heads.

“Then stop gawking and get inside. This isn’t a peep-show”. Adora grabbed the bowl of ice cub mush and made it inside right away. Catra glanced one last time and then walked right after Adora.

Later that night, however, when she was absolutely certain Sheila was completely knocked out, Catra sneaked to the kitchen cabinet and dug into the silverware drawer, where her foster mother kept her cigarettes. The pack was stuffed cleverly underneath the towels on the second drawer, where the girls never snooped. Catra took one cigarette out and left the pack just how she found it. _Burnt once, never again,_ she thought to herself cautiously. She grabbed the kitchen lighter and quietly opened the door to the porch outside. Catra sat on the wooden steps and after making sure she wasn’t traced, she let herself relax.

She put the cigarette to her virgin lips and holding the lighter next to the tip, drew in breath. The first puff burned her throat, making her cough loudly at first but then muffling her volume in the crook of her elbow. She glanced at the door, terrified. Nothing. Good. Once more, Catra put her lips next to the filter and drew another puff, this time with her throat and not her nose. The effect was instantaneous. Her head felt light, like multiple sensations numbed her body at once and she could barely keep her equilibrium.

“Wow,” she whispered to herself silently and giggled. “What the fuck?” She did it again, and again. And each time she did, her head would reel around like a cloud and she felt powerful. She felt in control.

_ I think I’m gonna enjoy this,  _ she thought to herself.  _ I think I’m gonna enjoy this a lot. _

  
  


**10 years later**

The horse mug, Adora’s favorite, made Catra’s palms tingle as the coffee inside still hadn’t cooled enough.

The steam coming out of it reminded Catra of that first smoke.

_ Hope you enjoyed it, dumb teeny Catra,  _ thought the latina woman to herself dryly. 

Catra looked at Adora as her face scrunched up reading the cancer pamphlet.

_ ‘Cause now we’re all paying for it. _

**_To be continued..._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know that ao3 comments literally sustain me? Yeah, they're sustenance injected inside of me via tubes (a therapist would call them ego-boosts but whatevs).
> 
> Leave a comment below if you liked it, enjoyed a specific part and wanted to see anything in particular!
> 
> The planned schedule is updates every 3 days (7 days max!) so don't go anywhere!
> 
> Thanks for reading and (consentual) hugs to all of yall <3


	3. Seasons of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a bit of background to the gang and their supportive web of love each other and separately before Catra tells them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I am sorry for taking so long with this chapter. I've had a pretty difficult few months tbh dealing with depressive episodes but this story is really making me wanna get up in the morning and I love writing it. I hope you like reading it! I poured a lot of personal and second hand experiences into this chapter and I hope you like it. Rent is beatufiul btw pls watch it

“You think we’ll find all of it here?” asked Scorpia, “Not that I’m saying it’s a bad idea! I just mean if a travel pack is what we’re going for, maybe North Face might’ve been a teensy bit better?”

Glimmer was grinning like a madwoman, hands spread cockily underneath the Target sign “This is perfect! This way we get to buy them all the stuff they always wanted but were too cheapskate to get!”

“And shop for groceries in one go!” beamed Bow proudly, high-fiving his wife and rings clanking with the impact.

When they entered the shopping Centre, Scorpia gave an impressed whistle “Wow, this place is huge!”

“You’ve never been to Target before?!” asked Bow.

“Well, I’m not much of a shopper. And Perfuma has been doing this whole reductive waste lifestyle thing for a while, so we just buy basic food groups and stuff,” explained Scorpia.

“Yes! But!” Glimmer pulled Scorpia by the arm, directing her to a starter corner “The Target sale basket is right here!”

Scorpia started to dubiously rummage through the stuff in the basket “I don’t know, queen. I’m not really an item-y type of-- HOLY COW! Would you look at these chunky earring sets?!”

The broad woman held a pair of spherical red earrings with dangling gems to her ears and gazed at her reflection on her phone’s screen “They’re adorable!”

Glimmer grinned excitedly, “They do look good, that’s the magic of Target! Quick, think of a random item. Anything!”

Scorpia tapped her chin in an urgent reply “Errr--O-o-o! Potted plants, the stripey kind!”

“They got em!” Glimmer pointed to the further aisles at Target.

Scorpia screamed in delight, composure out the window as she ran to the plants aisle.

“I feel like we’ve opened a door we can’t close” chuckled Bow pushing a cart forward.

“That’s how we grow, honey,” Glimmer pecked his cheek and gave him a mischievous grin before diving into the madness of Target rush.

Bow shook his head with a content smile on his face and started typing on his phone.

To: Cattongue69Queen

Well hello “Cattongue69Queen” (stop changing my contact names!). We all still on for the engagement movie night, right? We’re getting beer.

“I texted Catra, we got time to kill until she replies” Bow told the others.

“Good,” Glimmer put a crown of plastic flowers on Bow’s head “Cause we’re gonna take a while”.

Bow awed and booped his nose to Glimmer’s.

Every time Glimmer smiles, Bow feels a twinkle of a miracle inside. It was an uphill climb and took years for Glimmer to move on and let herself be happy after Angella’s death.

Losing her mom and being a pillar for her dad in that time had dimmed a light in Glimmer she kept trying to convince everyone around her she still had burning brightly.

“It’s okay to blame the world sometimes,” Bow had told her when she started breaking herself to pieces for the sake of being okay “but please don’t hide the pain. I can’t keep watching you hurt in silence when I know I can help. Even if it’s bringing you soup at 3 a.m.”

And it took everything to patch up the cracks. But dang it if it wasn’t worth it.

“Aww, shucks. Perfuma can’t make it. Her flight doesn’t come in until tomorrow” Scorpia pouted.

“Let’s get her something nice then as a “Welcome Home” gift” suggested Bow.

“Uh! I know just the thing!” Glimmer dragged Scorpia farther into the clutches of Target.

They shopped for hours and Glimmer and Scorpia had to find a spot next to the clothing aisle while Bow had a fashion show trying on tropical button-up crop tops.

“Honey, they all look good. Now can we please get a move on? We still have the groceries” grunted Glimmer draped on the waiting couch from exhaustion.

“Almost done!” Bow sounded from within the changing room.

Scorpia got up and stretched her legs from stiffness “By the by, I’m just gonna check something out real quick. There’s something I want to look for”.

Too tired to hold her head up, Glimmer just waved her hand “Knock yourself out, Scorps. Meet you in the veggie aisel in 10 minutes”.

“Floral patterns!” Bow squeaked in delight.

Glimmer sobbed “Make that 20”.

Scorpia chest rumbled with an endearing snort and she waved goodbye before continuing her Target journey alone.

“Okay, now, what can I get Catra that she’ll like and not make vomit noises at?” Scorpia asked herself aloud.

She found a set of sandalwood scented bedroom candles Catra swears she hates but secretly tricks Adora into buying them.

Then, as if on fate’s que, Scorpia laid eyes on exactly what she was looking for. A meaningful symbol Catra never had the luxury to hold. The only personal secret she ever confessed to Scorpia.

  
  
  


**10 Years Ago**

It’s tough being an exchange student at a completely new area where you don’t know anyone and everyone seems mean.

So it meant particularly a lot to Scorpia when on her first day of 8th grade, she got to sit next to a beautiful yet ratty teenage Catra who was too gloomy to be cutting to her new desk mate.

It’d been less than a week that Adora left home to attend Brightmoon School for Gifted Children. Boarding school. Away from Catra.

“Hey there, desk matey! I’m Scorpia. And yes, it comes from astrology, I got my hippie moms to thank for that” Scorpia chuckled nervously and nudged Catra on the shoulder.

Catra pulled her head up from the desk and without an ounce of enthusiasm asked “Do you like teddies?”

“What?” Scorpia blushed, thrilled at the conversation starter.

“Teddy bears” clarified Catra, chin resting on the top of the desk glumly, “I always wanted one. They’re every kid’s dream, right? They’re snuggly and cute and are always there, you know? I never get what I want. Like, ever. But I always wished for a teddy. I always thought I could at least get that. Fuck dreams, am I right?”

Scorpia was almost completely convinced this was not about a teddy bear but wasn’t about to get in a subtext battle with the first potential friend she’s met.

As she was about to continue the teddy love-fest excitedly, Scorpia noticed the words etched on Catra’s side of the desk in different handwritings.

“Shit-colored mexican”, “Fuckn spic”, “dyslexic retard” and even a “how much for the front brown tits?” all there bare for the world to see.

A guy passed the desk and whispered something so disgusting Scorpia’s brain refused to compute.

Catra flipped him off without even turning to look “Don’t worry. This isn’t the first day this has happened”.

“Well, umm--” Scorpia looked at the name written on the young latina’s notebook “Catra, I’ll get you a teddy bear someday. It’ll have one of those pretty bows, it’ll smell nice. And I’ll make sure it’s the snuggliest one in all of Manhattan. Girl promise!”

Despite her apathetic self, Catra cracked a smile “Sure thing. I’ll hold you to that. Scorpia, right?”

Eyes shining, Scorpia nodded enthusiastically.

“Well, Scorps, welcome to Horde. It’s hell, you’re gonna love it”.

“Glad to be on board!” Scorpia exclaimed, completely missing the tint of sarcasm.

_Make a friend. Check!_

  
  
  


**Present Day, Target**

Scorpia beamed at her beautiful selection of a present.

“That’s perfect. Oh, you’ve done it now, Scorpia!” she told herself motivationally. It’s just good practice to remind yourself to appreciate your choices.

Perfuma always said that was one of her favorite qualities.

“Now let’s get this bad boy wrapped”.

***

The level of determination Adora had for stuff astounded Catra sometimes. Especially when it was about something as blatantly bleak as illness.

Adora took a giant sip of her coffee and grinned “Now that I’ve had my life force juice, time to lay out a strategy plan!”

“Oof, peppiness and anal determination; I’m so happy I’m marrying you” Catra stuck her tongue out impishly.

“If you don’t stop spouting provocation, I’m gonna have to find a better use for your mouth” Adora said seriously, noting something down on the kitchen’s grocery pad.

Catra purred cheekily and rested her arms around Adora’s neck, landing a playful peck to her earlobe “That sounds so much more fun than a strategy plan”.

“Nuh-uh,” Adora shrugged Catra off her shoulders “Plan now, sex later”.

Catra scoffed, sitting on the living room couch and grabbing the guitar perched on its stand next to the TV “Aren’t you supposed to be pampering me now that I’m sick?”

Adora grunted, got up and walked the way up to Catra.

Hand under Catra’s chin to level her eyes with the latina’s and lips inches apart, Adora simply said “I am going to make love to you and take loving care of you interchangeably from this point on ‘till you feel lighter than air”.

Catra swallowed, cheeks flaring. She still got those even after 8 years of being together. Weird.

Adora smiled at Catra warmly and pecked her lips “ _After_ we have a plan”.

“Prude gremlin” pouted Catra while strumming a couple of riffs lazily, cooling her face.

Her blonde lover sat down next to her, pad in hand, hashing out every minute detail down to the brand of groceries they’d get from now on.

It’s the smile on her face when she’s trying to do her best for the one she loves that riles up Catra’s heart. It spoils her to know this person chose her, time and time again.

The elegant maple shade of skin on Catra that Adora can only remember as being a part of her whole life, intelligently cutting remarks and unadulterated love being whole and present underneath that maple.

  
  


After the upteenth groan from Catra, Adora summed up “Ok, now: we got diet which means nutritional cooked-at-home stuff and not the garbage we eat out, exercise--”

“Which I already do. Yoga, remember?” pointed out Catra.

Adora gave a blissed out smile at that “Of course, you in spandex. Anyway, avoiding air pollution so long walks in clean spaces and a mask for smoggy areas in the places we listed below”.

Adora checked the pamphlet to see if she’d missed something “Hey, what about this one?”

Catra squinted past Adora’s broad shoulder “Fertility Preservation? What the heck is that?”

Already googling it on her phone, Adora read aloud “ _Fertility preservation is the effort to help cancer patients retain their fertility, by freezing the egg/sperm for potential surrogacy”._

“What?!” Catra jumped on Adora’s lap and started furiously flipping through the pamphlet “It’s gonna fuck up my fertility, too?! That’s so unfair!”

Catra glanced at it again “And _expensive!”_

“I thought we said that if we wanted kids, we’d adopt?” asked Adora.

“Well, I’d like to have the option!” pouted Catra.

Adora grinned “So you’d have a reason to boss the baby around without guilt?”

Catra stuck her tongue out and scooched back to her spot on the couch.

Adora giggled “Aww, you mad at me?”

Catra looked at her “Do you really think I’m bossy?”

Adora mentally kicked herself for ruling out one factor when she made that joke: Catra is going to feel like baggage for having Adora take care of her while she’s sick. Maybe, even jokingly, labeling her bossy wasn’t her best move.

Adora sat on the couch’s armrest next to Catra, kissing the top of her head and whispered warmly “Your zesty self is what makes you so loveable, sweetie”.

“Nice save.”

Adora laughed “I’m just saying,” she started combing Catra’s tangled hair between her fingers slowly “The way you are is why I fall for you. Like, every day. I love that you’re tough and know what you want, it helps me feel useful when you guide us through things. Otherwise we’d both be blubbering fruitcake lesbians in this house. You anchor me to give a shit about myself too and make me feel worthy of it in a sexy dom way”.

“And _that’s_ how you do it, you hot nerd” Catra pulled Adora on her lap and kissed her affectionately.

When they broke apart, Adora snuggled tightly against Catra’s chest and hummed at her heartbeat.

_This could stop any minute._

Adora’s veins caught panic fire. She sniffed Catra’s shirt deeply, a grounding technique she’ll be trying out. 

_God, I hope you’re right, internet therapists._

“What’re you doing, you weirdo?” Catra pushed Adora off with a smile. “Now that we made the stupid plan, it’s late. You have classes”.

Adora landed on the floor, wiping her horrible daze off her face like a facial tick “Yep. No work though, thank goodness. What about you? Day off? Do you need me to stay in?”

Catra rolled her eyes “I’ll be _fine!_ It’s not like I’m gonna run a marathon. I’ll just tidy the place up for movie night. Stop being such a worrywart and go to class”.

“Movie night? I completely forgot! We’re gonna watch Rent! If you want to cancel, that’s totally--”

“No, I wanna do it,” said Catra “I wanna tell them tonight. I feel like they should know, it’s been days and the longer it’s dragged out the more dramatic it’ll get and I just wanna get it over with”.

“But if you feel like not doing that tonight or just wanna rest, that’s--”

“No!”

“But--”

Catra grabbed a slipper off the floor and threw it at Adora “Out, you big tree! I’m not an invalid”.

Adora dodged the slipper “Okay, okay! I’m leaving!”

She walked up to Catra while hopping into her unironed jeans forcefully “If you need absolutely anything--”

“ _Jesus!”_

“Going, leaving” Adora hefted her backpack on her shoulder and kissed Catra on the lips “We’ll do good by my promise tonight”.

Catra smirked “You bet your blonde ass we’re gonna do good by your promise tonight. Now scram!”

From the hallway Adora shouted a quick “I love you!”

“I love you, too!” Catra shouted back, her throat stinging a bit from the strain.

_Finally, left to panic in peace._

  
  


_ From: Arrowhead _

_ To: Me _

_Well hello there “Cattongue69Queen” (stop changing my contact names!). We all still on for the engagement movie night tonight? We’re getting beer._

Catra snickered like a petulant child.

_ To: Arrowhead _

_dont count on it arrowhead. its my hard earned lesbian agenda deal withit_

_and yep see yall at 8ish_

_and get bud light not that cheap shit from last time_

Catra put her phone down, humming verses to her guitar. A tune danced around her lips and she jotted down underneath the plan list, toes icy and stomach queasy all of a sudden. It feels different to know you’re sick without having someone to gractitate your attention to.

Death, Catra has noticed in the last couple of days, was a pretty well furnished topic to write songs about. 

She still remembers the first time she started to understand what it meant. It’s the word Sheila used to describe why they were stuck with her. Well, for Adora it was death. For Catra, Sheila called it “DACA brought to my doorstep for me to take care of this country’s own shit”.

But the first real time the concept of permanent loss resonated with her was in the news, reporting on a mass shooting at a school that year. 

When asked what that meant, Sheila asked the girls to imagine a life without the other. To never get to see that special person again no matter how hard you wished to.

The pair had slept clutching each other in their arms that night in tears.

“Death is what reminds people to care” Sheila had told them. One of the extremely few and rare pearls of wisdom she uttered to the girls after one glass of wine too many. 

Back when Catra was a prepubescent orphan who washed her hair with expired (and watered down) dish soap and started earning favors from the guys in gym class because 8th grader early developed boobs, she had started to believe that that was it. Her life was her trying to climb out a hellhole with the walls made of slick.

Late nights spent craving ceasing to exist because it was all her trying to live another day hoping she won’t hurt. Now she had friends, a decent hair conditioner (even a blow-dryer. She doesn’t get a cold from wet hair anymore), a full-ride scholarship where she won’t get yelled at for telling the teacher the letters keep dancing on her notebook. And she had her best friend, her lover, her favorite flavor, her Adora as her almost-wife. How could it all go so wrong? Catra thought she was done with hardship back in her childhood.

So sometimes, when Catra didn’t want to hurt Adora with the severity of her psychological wounds but needed to let the past bleed out of her, she let it out with music and reflected. Comparing the bad of the old with the good of the now. Drawing parallels and recognizing the irreversible blessings in her life to battle the inconsistencies of the future was an exercise she and her therapist have been trying out lately. 

Catra closed her eyes, breathed in, and recalling the shades of color in her childhood, sang.

**14 Years Ago**

The first time Catra got her period, she was 10 and convinced she’d been cursed.

“It’s finally happened Adora! Sheila’s finally cursed me!” Catra screamed melodramatically as she crouched in the bathroom tub, staring at the red trickling across the porcelain, “Have you checked what the internet says?!”

Suffice it to say, Sheila wasn’t big on her parenting skills and thus had neglected to teach the young girls up about their bodies in time. Wine nights always guaranteed a disoriented Sheila. So the pair relied on more research-based methods to figure out adult things.  
  
Puffy-cheeked Adora who’d, bless her heart, been shedding tears of panic for her best friend, now had her hand underneath the washing machine.

She was determinedly searching for something with her tongue out in concentration and pulled out a chipped but functional old iphone. A gadget bought at a street vendor with a year’s worth of the girls’ allowance. A necessary sacrifice.

After a final sniffle, Adora quickly typed “why am i bleeding in my vagina” and her face morphed into confusion.

“What?!” Catra yelled.

Adora scratched her head and kept scrolling through, “It says it happens when you do sex”.

As a concept, sex was a word whispered in hallways between 4th graders, a nasty letter stuffed in Catra’s schoolbag or slurred to Adora by construction workers doing work across the street from her favorite bookstore.

So of course the girls had googled it and came up with some pretty vocal examples that were the cause of dinnertime giggles every day for a week.

There was almost always a man involved but the girls did find a couple of examples when two girls would rub together, prompting curiosity in both.

“Do we _have to_ do that, too?” Catra had asked, face contorted in disgust, “I really don’t wanna”.

Adora contemplated it, then shook her head “The website says it’s something old people do so I think we’re ok”.

Catra had sighed in relief “Thank gosh!”

And that had been the end of it on the topic of sex.

But now.

Catra whimpered in fear, “But I’ve never done sex so that can’t be it!”

Then, the doorknob to the bathroom turned and all Adora had time to do was throw the phone to slide underneath the tub.

Sheila entered, miserable expression and hair curlers sill on,“What are you two screeching about? I have a migraine and if I hear one more… Catra, why’re you squatting like that?”

When Catra wouldn’t utter a word, Adora looked at their adoptive mother desperately “She’s bleeding from her vagina! Is she going to die?!”

Sheila scrunched her face before erupting in laughter.

The duo looked at each other. Somehow Sheila laughing so earnestly had been more incomprehensible than the blood coming out of Catra.

And that was one of the extremely few good days of Sheila. She let the girls inside her room which smelled of rum and daisies as she had a personal line of flowerbeds at the balcony of her room she tended to.

She handed Catra a pad pack and gave her the gist of the menstrual cycle. She even gave Catra a tap on the shoulder in congratulations. The 1 out of 5 times she would ever do that in this lifetime.

School didn’t take it too well.

The boys didn’t understand what a period was and when they found a pad in Catra’s bag while trying to stick a paper with lewd drawings, they held it out for all to see.

“Check it out, Catra’s got condoms for girls!” one boy yelled, waving the pad around on top of a class desk.

“Does that mean she goes with all the guys in school, too?” followed a little girl, repeating rumors about sexual activity and the latinas of the neighbourhood. 

Being in a poverty stricken community doesn’t leave much room for privacy or rejection towards stereotypes. A cross Catra learned to bear since the first day of school.

Adora made to pull the kid off the desk but was held back by the boy’s friends “Cut it out, Octavian! That’s _not_ what it is!”

“Who’d wanna touch her poop-colored skin? She must beg them” another girl snickered.

Catra blinked tears of humiliation in her eyes, bit the hand pinning her back and jumped on the desk next to Octavian.

“Hand.it.back.” she said through gritted teeth, face right up in his.

“Or what?” the boy smirked “You’re gonna kiss me and make me sick?”

Instantly, Catra slashed the little boy right in the face with her nails and swiped her pad back. She hissed aggressively and ran off.

Octavian screeched and covered his left eye in pain “What the hell?! You psycho! You’re gonna pay for this, you spic!”

“Catra!” Adora shoved the boy off and ran after her.

She glanced at crowded hallways but knew her friend would be out in the school sports field (the public school budget couldn’t afford a proper gym).

When she found Catra, she had already locked herself in one of the yard port-a-potties.

After consoling had proved futile, Adora racked her brain for a moment and when her eyes landed on a bush of berries, she grinned.

The next moment, Adora was walking back to class proudly sporting a giant red stain underneath her crotch and all over her butt.

“Darn it! It looks like I just got my period too!” proclaimed Adora, acting skills very weak and on the nose “It looks like I’m going to need a pad. Oh Catra?”

Catra entered right behind her, holding back from shooting a thankful look to Adora and instead just handing her a pad.

When they caught each other’s smiles, Catra whispered to her “This doesn’t mean I can’t handle myself”.

“I know. You just don’t have to” she winked back and headed to the bathroom.

Catra casually walked back to her seat and before resuming with her own classwork, called to Octavian “Yo, if any of you ever touch my bag again, you’ll wish you looked like Octavian”.

Back home, Catra was helping Adora wash off the rash that had formed after smooshing the berries with her palms.

“You can’t just touch berries and not make sure they’re safe, dumb-dumb” Catra scolded but still applied a cool oil solution to the palms and gave them a quick affectionate peck.

Adora grinned from ear to ear “Worth it”.

Catra didn’t know what the sudden jolt inside her chest was. All she could tell was that she got it when Adora would look at her a certain way from that day on. She liked it.

  
  


**Present Day**

Being prodigious at school had helped Adora escape the cruel household she’d been raised in. The anxiety of protecting her best friend from the abusive whims of their adoptive mother was replaced with the anxiety of being the sharpest tool in the shed, worthy of every privilege the school gave her to be in league with the rich kids.

To avoid getting squished in the league, Adora knew what she’d had to do. She was raised with a calculated predator as a guardian, after all.

Adora had learned how to sharpen herself, building airtight arguments as to why she deserved to be there and how what she lacked in things like money, social status, driving parents or captivating femininity, she made up for in wit, knowledge and backbone. 

So it was almost second nature for Adora to assume a rigorous attitude in class, asking questions, answering queries and making perceptive observations in a fast-paced soldier-like manner.

But today Adora wasn’t thinking about theories or answers; today Adora’s head was filled with paranoid images of Catra keeled over in pain or crying out her fear alone so as to not devastate Adora.

Her internal battle was stopping herself from texting her fiance to make sure she hasn’t collapsed.

_You know she hates it when you nag her after she tells you to back off_ Adora kept warning herself. 

And what about their friends? 

_It’s going to crush Glimmer and Scorpia will get all hyper and try to be positive about the whole thing then Catra will feel even worse._

Adora banged her head against the desk in pure frustration, stressed at calculating solutions but driven mad if doing nothing. 

“Something agitating about my lesson that you need to take it out on the desk, Miss Eternia?” asked the professor, Miss Hudson, thinly.

Adora swooped her head out and a page of A4 paper stuck to her forehead “N-no, ma’am! Sorry, ma’am! I--”

She yanked the paper off her face, turning bright red while classmates around her snickered.

The professor sighed as if this wasn’t a one-time occurrence in her career and asked “Then you must have no problem answering my question”.

A couple of piercingly smug looks turned to Adora, counting the seconds it took to see her fail.

Adora racked her brain trying for the life of her to remember what the professor was talking about while she flew off to another planet in her mind.

She took a shot in the dark “Umm, I-I think that ummm operant conditioning has to do with positive and negative reinforcements, umm while classical has to do with...association?”

The professor looked confused, “Miss Eternia, this is the Sports Med class, not Behavioral Psych”.

The snickers turned to hushed taunting laughter around her now.

The professor went on “In the future, I’d advise you to either be more attentive or not attend at all”.

There is a special time reserved in one’s life where one wishes a well to appear underneath them so they could fall down to the pit in a neverending journey.

This was Adora’s time. 

“Yes, ma’am” she said, feeling small “I’m sorry”.

Adora stuffed her head in a book until class ended, tring to block out the all too articulated comments her bullies shared about her blunder.

As soon as she heard the professor utter “Class dismissed”, Adora made to sprint out the door and eat her hand out of embarrassment when she heard a throat clear “Miss Eternia, a moment please?”

Too good to be true.

“Miss Hudson, look. I’m really sorry for what happened I just spaced out for a second there and I didn’t mean to not pay--”

The professor held her hand out to Adora, signaling her to stop and motioned for her to sit in the chair in front of hers.

Adora swallowed hard and kept hooking the collar of her shirt “Is it hot in here?”

Miss Hudson sat opposite her student “Relax, you’re not in trouble. But ever since yesterday you’ve been unfocused and slow. That’s not really like you at all and it’s not something I tolerate from one of my top students”.

Adora’s ass was sweating and her fingers could fall off any minute over how much she’s wringing them. She looked down and took a deep breath.

“I don’t want to bore you with my issues” she tried to reason honestly.

Miss Hudson smiled, but not antagonistically “Try me”.

Over the course of the time here, Adora felt like a poor little lamb the vultures dressed with their daddies’ trust fund money were waiting for to keel over and die. It only fueled Adora with the type of determination to prove them wrong and drag herself from the shackles of low-income into earned privilege. No amount of expensive textbook swirlies by bullies or shoves turned into lockings in the janitor closet have stopped her so far.

And throughout the battle, Miss Hudson was one of the rare few who’d recognized that fire inside of Adora and stoked the flames supporting her in a discreet manner. A dinner invite to her family’s house here, a book lending there. She even gave Adora a much-needed pep talk when she hid in the personnel bathroom at campus trying to breathe out a panic attack during finals. A gesture Adora admired her teacher for infinitely. 

Slowly, their relationship had turned very solid with Miss Hudson occasionally inquiring about Adora’s progress in life and whether hard times were getting the best of her like they’d done before.

It was the closest thing Adora had to an adult in her life. Which made her dumb class shenanigan all the more disappointing and disrespectful.

Adora finally let out a deep sigh.

A raised eyebrow joined Miss Hudson’s playful smile.

“I’m...”

_Devastated. Furious. Terrified._

“...fine. Totally fine! Just school pressure getting to me and I guess I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. What with work and everything,” Adora gave the mother of all unconvincing laughs and even landed an accidental snort to top.

_Smooth, you ding-dong_ Adora heard Catra say hypothetically in her head.

_Shut up, Catra._

Miss Hudson’s mouth frowned “You sure? It’s not getting bad again is it? If you’re having panic attacks again, we can talk to the campus counselor and get you an appointment--”

“No! I mean, err-- thank you, but I’m okay. Just got little sleep and a double shift at work. I’m doing good”.

_Liar._

Miss Hudson didn’t seem completely convinced, but nevertheless played along.

“We all have jobs, Miss Eternia. And yet we can all manage a good sleep schedule. You have no excuse not to” the professor crossed her buff arms and smirked “So no more slacking or I’ll kick you out like I did those baked heads first semester. I’ve told you before; I’m not gonna go soft with you. You have potential, but unused potential is wasted potential. You gotta grab it by the horns. Make the most of it. You hear me, Adora?”

“Haha, yeah” Adora’s palms itched.

“Good!” Miss Hudson tapped her on the shoulder kindly. “Now go get some sleep and next time I see you I want you front and center”.

“Front and center! Got it!” Adora chuckled which turned into a poignant sigh as she walked out. 

Of course Adora will be front and center next time. Disappointing people doesn’t sit well with Adora. She’d disappointed Sheila plenty when she didn’t manage to get the top of the grade or keep Catra in line, she’d stunk up the place in her private high school’s first football game by missing the winning kick, never getting articles right on the first try at work, and she even managed to disappoint Glimmer when she couldn’t comfort her enough to get her to quit drinking when her mom died.

Not today, though. Today is about being there for Catra. 

Adora took a few deep breaths to calm her rushing pulse and when deemed herself stable, walked out.

***

“Would you stop flicking me?!” Bow complained, voice cracking mid-yell.

“You keep hogging the door, I want them to see my face in the surprise shot, too!” Glimmer explained herself, abandoning the flick in favor of shoving her elbow at Bow’s exposed ribs.

“”Till death do us part” is coming sooner than I thought”.

“C’mon guys, it’s a happy day! Happy faces on!” Scorpia chimed in.

Then they heard footsteps on the other side of the door.

“Shhhh, they’re coming” Glimmer whispered and held a present up high.

  
  


Catra meant to do some tidying up. She really did. Until she fell asleep on the couch and almost crushed her guitar.

Adora assured her that it was fine, that she shouldn’t have to do chores if she wasn’t feeling completely fine, anyway.

“Stupid, understanding supportive girlfriend carving me to be soft” Catra was sulking as she went to open the apartment door after an insistent knocking pattern.

Catra swung the door open.

“SURPRISE!” Glimmer, Bow and Scorpia shouted in unison.

“Sorry, we have no spare change” Catra said glumly and closed the door to then reopen it with a grin “I’m just messing, is that a present for me on your hands I deduce?”

“It’s like thank you’s are extracted out of your DNA or something” Glimmer jabbed while getting comfy on the beanbag on the floor.

Catra was already tearing through the wrapping “Yes, mother”.

Adora came from the kitchen with a snack platter “She tells me the exact same thing when I am right. It’s how she expresses love. Hi, by the by”.

The guests hugged Adora while Catra pulled from the box two backpacks.

“Huh?”

“They’re travel backpacks for your Eurotrip honeymoon! It’s got tickets, supplies, packed travel clothes and everything! You can change the ticket date whenever you want, that won’t be an issue” explained Glimmer in one breath.

Adora sat next to her fiance, humoring the trio by checking out the contents of the bag but faces completely defeated.

True to words, the bag had disposable cameras, a starter kit for a travel scrapbook, guidebooks for all the places included in the ticket, dumb t-shirts that read “her’s & her’s” and even a pair of leopard print fuzzy handcuffs. It was perfect.

And now completely out the window.

The couple had one final glance of an eye contact before holding hands and looking at their guests seriously.

“What is it? You don’t like it?” Bow asked with a sad expression.

“I told you the cuffs we’re too bougie for them!” Glimmer flicked Bow “Ow, I’m glad the flicking’s back”.

Scorpia didn’t miss the look in their friends’ expressions though, “What is it, wildcat? Is everything all right?”

Adora wanted to jump in but Catra beat her to it “Actually, no. I’m afraid I have some really shitty news”.

“Are you guys...breaking up?!” Bow was mortified.

Glimmer jumped the wagon “Did you take up smoking again?!”

“NO!” Adora defended quickly, “Catra hasn’t been feeling very dandy so she took a couple of tests and we found out…”

Adora looked at Catra, her face stone trying to keep it together.

“...I have stage 3 lung cancer”.

Silence plagued the usually vibrant apartment.

Adora’s grip to Catra’s hand tightened and that gave Catra the boost the needed to swallow down the sob built up in her throat.

Nobody moved a muscle.

“Well for crying out loud will someone make a peep, it’s driving me crazy!” Catra growled.

Glimmer’s face finally moved and as tears trickled from her eyes, she let her phone fall and ran over to wrap her arms around Catra accompanied by Bow and Scorpia.

“We love you, okay?! And we’re gonna chew this motherfucker in the ass” Glimmer whispered from within the crook of Catra’s neck.

“Mm, speak to me potty, Sparkles” Catra chuckled and returned the force of the hug to her ferociously beautiful human beings of friends.

“I will literally make you soup every day until you grow sick of it!” Scorpia blubbered in her snotty cry.

“You know I could never get tired of your magical relaxing soup, Scorps”.

“And I promise I’ll stop calling you cute when it bothers you!” Bow yelled, tightening the hug.

“Don’t worry, Bow. It doesn’t make my skin chafe or anything”.

Adora leaned in, “She secretly likes it, you know”.

Catra laughed and pulled Adora in on the hug “Shut up, dork”.

They reveled in each other’s pain for a bit and then when Catra complained about breathing, they let go immediately. 

“Have you talked to a proper radiologist?” Bow asked them, discreetly sliding his hand into Glimmer’s and tickling the inside of the palm with his index finger. Their secret to ask each other if they’re okay.

Glimmer smiled and felt warmth at her husband’s gesture. She tickled Bow’s palm back with her pinkie. 

_I’m fine. I promise._

“Yeah but it’ll be a few days before we get a full-on prescription plan” Catra informed as she downed a fistfull of peanuts from the snack platter.

“And while we appreciate this awesome-sauce gift you guys put together for us…” Adora started.

Scorpia looked down “You won’t be able to set a date until this passes. We’re sorry you guys”.

“Don’t be,” Catra put a reassuring hand to Scorpia’s arm “We’ve decided we’re gonna take this thing on and win. As Sparkles delicately put it, we’re gonna “chew this motherfucker in the ass””.

“That’s right. And it’s gonna be epic!” Adora pumped her fist up, arm wrapping around Catra’s shoulders.

“We hear ya!” Scorpia joined the fist pumped, aligning juicy triceps with Adora.

“As touching as this is” Catra rolled her eyes, “I am beat and emotionally exhausted. Can we please watch the movie now and talk about this later?”

“Absolutely. I’ll hook it up” Bow got up and started fiddling with the TV controls.

Glimmer excused herself to tell Adora something privately.

Scorpia cleared her throat “In the spirit of gift giving, even if it isn’t the happiest of happening, I wanted to give you something”.

Scorpia handed Catra a lump wrapped in red wrapping paper with black, brown and white cats patterned all across.

“What’s this for?” asked Catra.

Scorpia looked at her hands with a long smile “Making good on a promise I made you. You were my first real friend and the reason I found the love of my life so I wanted to give you something. From the heart” Scorpia completed the sentence while forming a heart across her chest with her hands.

“I didn’t know rejecting you counted as helping you find the love of your life but hey, that’s your definition and I get a gift so I’m not complaining” Catra started unwrapping.

“Well you told me that I don’t have to like you to love you and that’s the best thing I could’ve heard at that time. Besides, we all should get to have a proper teddy”.

From the avalanche of pathetically put together wrapping paper emerged a teddy bear.

He had long curly brown fur, the softest thing to ever be touched by hands and a radiant red bow tied around his neck. The beady eyes shone.

Catra’s face melted into complete joy “Dude, Scorpia...You remembered you colossal softie!”

Scorpia scooped Catra into a tight bear hug “Go wildcat”.

“Guys, the movie’s about to start” Bow alerted.

Everyone took their seats and Catra hugged the teddy to her tightly as Adora enveloped her into a cuddle.

Catra whispered lightly “What did you and Glimmer talk about?”

“It’s nothing” assured Adora.

_Uh-uh. Fine._

Adora kissed Catra’s earlobe “I love you”.

“I know”.

Rent took over the screen, with 8 people lining a stage.

_525,600 minutes_

_525,000 moments so dear_

_525,600 minutes_

_How do you measure, measure a year?_

_In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee_

_In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife_

_In 525,600 minutes_

_How do you measure a year in the life?_

Tears streamed down each of their cheeks but they kept quiet.

_How about love?_

_Measure in love_

_Seasons of love_

_525,600 minutes_

_525,000 journeys to plan_

_525,600 minutes_

_How do you measure the life of a woman or man?_

They looked back on their lives together. How hard Catra had fought to push them away. How it took a long time for them to become a family.

_In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried_

_In bridges he burned, or the way that she died_

It took dunking a peach lemonade on Adora’s head at a diner for Catra to talk to her again. The pain and the loneliness that had surrounded her had dissipated a tiny bit.

_It's time now to sing out_

_Though the story never ends_

_Let's celebrate, remember a year_

_In the life of friends_

_Remember the love_

_You got to, you got to remember the love_

_Remember the love_

_You know that love is a gift from up above_

Whatever happened, they were there. And they cared. That, to Catra, was almost enough. 

  
  


_Remember the love_

_Share love, give love, spread love_

_Measure in love_

_Seasons of love_

_Measure your life in love_

_I’ll try,_ she thought. _I’ll really try._

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments literally make me wanna get out of bed so if theres anything you enjoyed let me know below. And thank you for the incredibly positive reception, candor and compassion for this story. I will do my best to represent as best as I can this phase of life. Love u all <3 drop a line below teehee ^^


	4. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catra and Adora step into the first phase of treatment while re-exploring old emotional wounds and insecurities they've harbored towards each other and within themselves. And character reveals! (Perfect by Alanis Morisette. I highly suggest you listen to it).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, yes, I am not dead. I know it sounds like a weak-sauce excuse but these months have been probably the hardest; I was dealing with the anniversaries of dead family members, battling some depressive episodes, have changed jobs and finished 8 exams as well as just personal turmoil (yay!). But on the PLUS SIDE, I have finally figured out the complete chapter scheme and outline of the story and may I say: It is going to be SO good, I am actually quite proud of this story (not just so far, but what will happen and everything and I hope you enjoy it).
> 
> Possible trigger warnings: there is mentions of vomiting, self-harm and the use of the r-word once.
> 
> Please forgive me for being away this much. Thank you for the comments and support thus far, you guys are genuine pals and I cannot be more thankful and hopeful for your understanding.

Catra loved thrillers. She and Adora would watch “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” after Sheila had gone to bed almost every night as kids. Looking back, it probably brought the girls significant subconscious relief watching two girls kiss on TV and have it be a thing.

And now, as adults, their annual Halloween tradition consisted of binging the complete first season of the show while suffering a blissful sugar coma through a river of candy wrappers. 

Adora wasn’t all that squeamish, but Catra was never phased by gore. 

Hannibal Lecter would bite the guard’s face off in “Silence of the Lambs” and Catra would just throw a piece of popcorn at the TV and mock the guard for being, quote, “a complete bonehead!”. 

But what unsettled Catra, always and without fail, was the barren color of a white ceiling. Just she and the nothingness that’d plagued her life locked in a staring contest.

It was all she had to do when her mind wouldn’t let her sleep for years after Adora had left Sheila’s house for a better life.

So white was the color of loneliness to her. Or maybe it was faded beige.

Even as Adora’s hand would sling over Catra’s waist protectively in her sleep, there were moments when Catra would wake up to the image of their empty ceiling and dissociate back to those times. 

Times when her chest hurt from crying, or times when she’d come back from someone else’s apartment all sticky and ruminating on the things she did (or let be done to her) with Adora’s face layered on the other person’s as the only illusion to have made her go through with it. 

When Catra told Adora about this a year into their living together, Adora almost broke her neck on their neighbour’s borrowed ladder trying to tape Tinashe posters right above Catra’s side of the bed.

She’d broken her leg instead and Catra wrote “the thinsg we do for love” with a bright pink sharpie across her girlfriend’s cast.

So at 4 a.m., Catra ended up staring at lucious braided locks in a crop top. 

But not even the image of Tinashe could completely shake her from the melancholic memories that kept rushing her mind the more she’s scared she won’t get to be on this Earth for long. 

**_I wonder what this goofball’s going through in her head,_ ** Catra thinks to herself.

She always knew how prone to self-pressure Adora was. It was not even her fault; when they were both leading an extremely shitty life, it was either be the best at all you can and earn a ticket outta there or suffer in compliance. Sheila made failure a ghost that still haunts Adora to this very day.

Catra can even recall the first explicit taste of failure Adora’d had and how much it demoralized her. If a D could get her stupid over-achiever head sad, then what if Catra didn’t make it?

**_We’re in deep shit now, princess._ **

  
  
  


**12 Years Ago**

“Say it”.

“No!”

“Oh come  _ on _ , Adora. Don’t be a prude. You’re mad. You wanna say “fuck” and I respect that. So let it rip”.

“Buzz off, will ya?!” Adora pushed her best friend’s face away, staring at her reflection in the mirror hard. 

_ Sometimes is never quite enough _

Catra grinned in her mischievous style, “You know you want to. I can see it in your face”.

Adora had just gotten her first D-, a travesty to her straight A record. Sheila gave both of them a self-esteem searing scolding; Adora for slipping and Catra for pulling Adora down with her own academic delinquency. 

Affection extended as far as you did, not what you are in the Weaver household. 

_ If you're flawless, then you'll win my love _

Catra was used to being yelled at for not reading or writing properly. She’d been listening to that warcry on repeat ever since kindergarten. Adora, however, didn’t develop quite the tolerance for criticism. She never needed to. She always made sure to win and never find out the taste of the other edge of the blade.

_ Don't forget to win first place _

A few moments of Adora’s glum face was all Catra could take before thinking of a light-hearted distraction.

“Well if you’re not gonna let it rip, then I will!”

And just like that, Catra let out a fart so powerful it made the neighborhood picture frames rattle and ran out the bathroom, slamming the door shut. 

Adora tried to turn the knob as soon as the stench reached her nostrils, but Catra wouldn’t let go on the other side.

“Catra!” Adora coughed exaggeratingly between giggles, “Who did you eat?! Open the door, I’m dying!”

“Hah!” Catra snapped “Not until you say “Fuck””.

“Catra!” Adora pleaded, her mirth melting slightly.

“Say it!”

The test wasn’t even hard. What was she missing? And why did Catra have to take the brunt of it? 

“1,2--”

**_I got my best friend in trouble because of a D. I know that’s what’ll happen if I don’t do good. So why didn’t I?_ **

“3!”

_ Don't forget to keep that smile on your face _

“FUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Adora yelled as she kicked the door and sat down, her bottom lip quivering. 

Catra stopped laughing when she heard Adora whimper and opened the door, “Hey, now. The smell can’t be that bad; I barely ate today”.

To Catra, Adora always seemed taller and more put together and just, more. Right then, sitting on the bathroom tiles looking up at her with those giant blue glassy eyes, Adora looked small. Like Catra felt every day.

_ How long before you screw it up? _

“I’m sorry” Adora sniffled.

“What’re you sorry for, you bozo?” Catra sat next to her best friend, “I’m the one who egged you on. Do you really hate saying “fuck” that much?”

The young blonde shook her head “It’s not that. I just...I tried. Why did I still suck?”

Catra decided to skip the ironic comment of how Adora was used to getting her way if she tried and instead scoffed “Why do you even care? It’s just a stupid test”.

_ I'm doing this for your own damn good _

_ What's the problem? Why are you crying? _

“Because, I just, do.” Adora held her face in her hands “I wanna get out of here someday. And this is the only way. I don’t want to… I don’t wanna constantly feel like this. Like I’m not enough”.

She pressed her cheek inwards and started nipping it from the inside, a tick she’d developed anytime she wanted to stop herself from crying in front of Catra. The one that got the slap for things.

_ Be a good girl _

The little Latina pulled her friend’s hand away “How can you possibly think you’re not enough? I’m the mess. I can’t read to save my life and my notebooks look like a Rossetta stone”.

“That’s not your fault, though!” Adora contested, taking the other’s hand in her lap and tracing shapes familiar only to them.

After a particularly serious bout of blunders at school, the young Latina finally figured out what to call her shortcomings. 

When asked to read out loud, Catra would get very aggressive and ditch class. Her homework was never done if Adora didn’t do it for her, she refused to read by herself. She’d even make Adora type stuff on YouTube instead of doing it herself.

That’s when Adora realized; every time Catra wouldn’t take exams or read out loud, it wasn’t because she didn’t want to. She literally couldn’t, and the only way to save face was to just be against it rather than incapable of it. 

And ever since the school found out the little orphan Latina had dyslexia, Catra was a giant X mark for all the social elite bullies who didn’t bother to understand. She even spat at an upperclassman’s face for calling her the r word. 

So to help her with homework and studying (but mostly to talk at night when Sheila would come home hammered and irritated at every noise), Adora and Catra had developed their very own alphabet with symbols they traced on their palms. To communicate things that sometimes you couldn’t say out loud.

‘You are not a mess. You are different.’ Adora traced.

_ You've gotta try a little harder _

Catra chuckled “Same difference in this lifetime”.

_ That simply wasn't good enough _

When she noticed the unamused look on Adora’s face, Catra sighed and traced in the other’s hand ‘I wish people could see me the way you do’.

Adora giggled at the irony “I’ll try to see myself more like you see me if you’ll do the same”.

_ To make us proud _

Catra gripped Adora’s hand tightly, not breaking eye contact. How can a person have eyes like that  _ and  _ be so good?

‘Deal’.

**_Whatever makes you feel better._ **

  
  


  
  


**Present Day**

Adora huddled closer to her fiance’s chest, sleepily kissing the side of her bare breast “Baby? You awake?”

Catra zapped back into reality, the retroactive anxiety of the past melting from her features “Huh? Oh, yeah. Can’t really sleep. Too many dreams”.

Adora sat on her elbow to prop her lips up to her lover’s “Am I in them?”

“Somebody’s full of themselves,” Catra smiled as she pecked her lips “nah, just weird squiggly images. I’m kind of scared shitless about today”.

Today was, to Catra’s dismay, her first session of treatment.

“You’ll be okay,” assured Adora. “And I’ll be there the whole time. If they stick you in the tube thingy, I’ll nudge in there with you”.

Catra’s chest vibrated with laughter. 

Any positive reaction Adora got out of Catra on scary days like this one felt like a hundred dollar bill straight into their savings for vacation.

“Like I’d let you get poisoned with me. I don’t know. Just something about the idea of getting pumped full of meds that are going to toxify the shit out of me is a bit… fucked up to think about”.

To even mull on that idea was too much for Adora. 

“I wish I could take them instead of you.” she admitted. “Or maybe share lungs or something. Then you’d finally get to sense how it feels when you take my breath away”.

“You’re such a cheesy, sexy bastard,” Catra pulled Adora’s body on top of hers, feeling her naked wetness press against her stomach, “What would I do without you? I’d starve without my daily dose of dumbass”.

Adora kissed Catra tenderly, cupping her jaw and stroking it. Catra gave a soft moan and pet her girlfriend’s back, feeling her soft skin underneath her 3 black stiletto nails. Her other hand began to trail down Adora’s abdomen.

Reluctantly, Adora pulled away.

“Catra, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning. You’re gonna need sleep’.

Catra groaned against her fiance’s neck “Pussy-buster”.

“Adora Pussy-buster. I think I’m okay with that” Adora said with a grin.

Catra lay down pouting, pushing Adora to her side of the bed in faux frustration. 

As a final shot of revenge, Catra nipped Adora’s shoulder and buried her head under the covers.

“You’re such a kid” Adora dragged her towards herself and enveloped her in a koala cuddle.

**_Lavender detergent and popcorn oil,_ ** Catra sniffed. 

After a while, when she was sure Adora was asleep, Catra stealthily uncovered herself and tip-toed to the living room. She grabbed a plate of blueberry pop-tarts in one hand and a giant glass of milk in the other and sat on the couch butt-naked, turning on the TV.

Then the bedroom door opened with Adora standing there miffed. Busted.

“Hey Adora” Catra smiled guiltily.

She stood there for a couple of seconds then looked at the TV “ _ Annie _ ? You left me for Annie?”

“It’s orphans singing cheerfully about their abusive caretaker while trashing pillows. It’s literally a musical about our lives!” teased Catra.

Adora cranked up her eyebrow.

After a staring-match, Catra relented “I can’t sleep. And I don’t want to just lay there and think about it”.

Adora’s features softened and she retreated back to the bedroom.

She came back with a blanket and wrapped it across Catra then nestled next to her, “Annie didn’t have to transport illegal stuff around town  _ and  _ she was saved by a billionaire, not a boarding school scholarship”.

Catra waved her hand as if swiping away the argument “Semantics”.

She started dunking the poptart pieces in milk and feeding them to Adora. 

When Adora looked up, Catra just grinned “What’re you looking at, fuckface? Stop oggling me and watch the little demented 10-year-olds sing”.

  
But Adora could feel Catra’s leg jiggle restlessly. 

When she gazed at Catra again, Adora decided it was better to act as though she didn’t feel her girlfriend’s teardrops hit her forearm. Instead, she just held her hand tightly and continued to pretend she was watching Annie bargain her freedom. Catra’s chest bounced in a swallowed sob.

‘We’ll get through this’ she traced on the hazelnut shaded leg.

‘I hope to God we do,’ the Latina traced back ‘or else we bought those expensive IKEA sheets for nothing’.

Adora smiled.

**_I love you so freaking much._ **

She tightened her grip again.

**_And I don’t plan on letting go anytime soon._ **

**_***_ **

“Are you sure you don’t want us to come? We can totally work on our costumes later, right Glim?” asked Bow behind his shoulder.

Splattered on Glimmer and Bow’s living room floor were various sizes of EVA foam sheets and spray paint cans. A messy testimony to the couples hard work on their costumes which were finally, finally, almost done. 

Bow didn’t know how much more of Glimmer’s surprise attack sprayings he could take. And Glimmer was pretty sure that if she kept on listening to Bow’s 14 hour playlist of Lady Gaga hits, her ear would fall off. She enjoyed Mother Monster just as much as the next intelligent person. But 14 hours was no joke.

“Totally!” replied Glimmer, all high-pitched thanks to the 4 Redbulls she’d chugged.

Bow flinched when his eardrum almost burst with Catra’s cry from over the phone “EYES ON THE ROAD, JACKASS! Adora, hand over the phone.”

While Bow waited through the fumbling sounds of the phone being passed, he glanced back at his wife chugging yet another redbull can.

“Glimmer no!”

Throwing on her notoriously mischievous grin, Glimmer shrugged with the empty can in hand which she promptly crushed against her temple. Glimmer is living proof that kickboxing pays off.

Bow was about to lose it when Glimmer dunked the hollow can at the back of the couch but Catra cut in first “Yo, losers, listen; I’m fine! We’re just going to the clinic so I can take my stupid chemo pills and we’re out. What you guys  _ should  _ worry about is how the hell you’re gonna beat me and Adora’s costume tonight, alright? Peace out, suckers”.

“But--”, she’d already hung up. 

Bow was about to slump down from exhaustion, only he heard the spray can’s click in a shake. A warning.

“Oh, no you don’t” he jumped on the sofa and grabbed the stereo remote, “Back off, dear, or it’s Bad Romance on loop!”

Glimmer gasped and lowered her spray can “You wouldn’t dare!”   
  
_ Click.  _

_ OoOoOoOo, caught in a bad romance… _

Bow started swaying his hips and singing, rather tone-deafly, along with the music “Ra-ra-ra-a-a-a, ro-ma ro-ma-ma, ga-ga u-la-la-a, want your bad romance--”

His wife jumped on him, landing both of them on the floor in a frustrated wrestle instantly morphing into a make-out session.

Bow pulled away breathlessly “Wanna move this to the bedroom?”

He felt a tickling giggle around his neck where Glimmer was peppering him with kisses “Bedroom? We got work to do! Besides,”

Glimmer enjoyed hearing Bow’s yelp when she cupped his crotch just the right way “I don’t think we can last that long”.

Bow grabbed at both sides of Glimmer’s thighs “After this, I’m writing Redbull a thank-you note”.

Both snickered against each other’s lips, groaning with each sensation.

All that went through Bow’s head afterwards was  **_Wow._ ** And then,  **_We’re never gonna finish these costumes in time._ **

  
  
  


Catra ended the call and tossed the phone to Adora’s lap.

“We’re still going to that?” asked Adora, “Don’t you think you should rest for today? Dr. Spinerella told us chemo’s exhausting”.

“Adora. It’s _Halloween_ ** _,_** okay? My day. I’m not gonna let cancer ruin that, too”.

Halloween was the day Adora and Catra got free candy in their childhood. It wasn’t hard for Catra to determine what her favorite night of the year was. Well, that and her birthday. Adora got her CD records on her birthdays. She still had some. The ones Sheila hadn’t smashed that one fateful night.

Adora sighed “You’re so stubborn sometimes! I swear, I don’t know how you manage to keep it up”.

“Through better or worse. Right, love?” Catra pointed out, turning the wheel on one hand and showing off the ring on the other with a wiggle of her fingers.

The gold Claddagh ring with the red ruby in the center shimmered on caramel knuckles, trembling. Adora took that hand and tucked it against her chest, fondly. “Mhm, and then some”.

It was when they pulled into the parking lot that Adora’s nerves really started to show off their acrobatic capabilities. Being there again, fearing it’ll be a very much frequented establishment in the months to come made her ears burn.

She wore her usual workout trainers, the thick cotton ones that really made you sweat. Even if the workout was just mental.

Catra climbed out of the car and flipped her hair back, trying fruitlessly to tame the frizz the open car window caused. Adora had to do a double-take, as per usual.

Catra fashioned tight ripped brown pants and a (very) see-through black shirt with “Bad Kitty” printed on it. Her belt dangled rows of chains on the side. She’d even worn her grunge-phase studs in her ears, a sight that reminded Adora of a past conversation on bodily piercings that sent excitement in her nether regions every time. Pair that with the hair flip and a freckled sharp expression... 

“Adora?” Catra raised her eyebrow, “You okay? You look like you just mentally joined another dimension”.

Adora remembered to snap her jaw back up and swallow, “I just--you just--you look--Aren’t those your freshman year studs?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” she tucked strands behind her ear, showing the metals off, “I was really unprepared last time and felt so shitty because of it. This time I wanted to...I don’t know… feel fiercer, or whatever.”

Adora fell down on the pavement and screeched melodramatically “Ach-!! Can’t--speak--so--much--fierceness--Gah!!”

Catra couldn’t help chortling there, in the middle of the parking lot of a cancer clinic.

“Get up, you blonde moron! You’re gonna make us late.” Catra reached her hand out and pulled up her girlfriend and kissed her nose “I know what you’re doing. Thank you. I love you”.

Adora returned the nose peck with one on the lips, just for variety’s sake, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. But I love you too. And you look nice”.

***

The clinic was about as inviting as both women remembered it to be. Neon white lights made Catra’s eyes hurt and see tiny purple and green orbs across the corridor. They walked down the hallway led by the nurse from last time.

Very avant-garde looking for a nurse, Catra noticed. Long faded green hair with an undercut, salient features and tight black boots in heels that echoed through the narrow hall like predatorial clicking. Catra half expected the nurse to start whistling like that scene from Kill Bill. 

For a brief second, she wondered what it’d be like to die silently during sleep. Just a pinch of the needle and then heavy eyelids. No pain. No tango with old consequences. Just dropping curtains and the ensemble halts.

Catra chuckled, remembering a time when that was all she could think about. And now that she got a better life and she was finally happy, it might all just expire. As easily as a forgotten jar of jam.

“Wow, I really fucking hate this place” Catra whispered.

“Yeah, no kidding. It’s so...pristine. And not in the good way,” followed Adora.

**_That which is born must also, inevitably, die._ **

Queasiness eased in on her stomach at the memory of that phrase and she grasped Catra’s hand seeking comfort. 

Catra gaged the signal and gripped back “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use “pristine” in a sentence before”.

“What can I say? Stress brings out my underappreciated brains,” Adora answered absentmindedly. 

It was true. Adora learned to shine when pushed into a corner, whether it be explaining why she and Catra would take such long detours after school or standing up to rich kids who questioned her presence at their school on a daily basis.

“Really? Cuz all it brings out of me is some very effortfully swallowed comments on our healthcare system,” said Catra brazenly, “and a bit of pee”.

They passed by care unit rooms with radio static, singing, wailing, beeping. A hallway full of experiences that made you feel guilty for not sitting back and acknowledging each one individually. 

Then out of nowhere, a kid swerved from behind racing on a wheelchair and squealing with glee.

“Cowabunga!” the kid cried triumphantly.

She was having the time of her life until she saw the nurse’s face and slowed to a stop, “Oops.”

The nurse tusked in irritation, “Darla! How many times have I told you  _ not  _ to play with the hospital wheelchairs?” 

The alleged Darla hung her head down dejectedly, lips quivering over a set of braces “Sorry.”

Adora and Catra gave each other a knowing smile. Good times.

“It’s rude to occupy other people’s props. And they’re just plain unsanitary to sit on, kiddo.  _ Trust _ me,” the nurse warned and pulled out an antibacterial wet wipe seemingly out of nowhere, handing it to Darla, “Wipe those digits, sweetheart. People don’t come in here from being clean”.

**_Thanks for that mental image,_ ** thought Catra.

“M’sorry. I was just bored. Mommy’s asleep again,” she pouted as she wiped her hands carefully.

The nurse’s eyes softened slightly. Coming closer, they covered their mouth as if delivering a great secret, “Tell you what: you put that chair back in your mom’s room and I’ll show you some lobotomy videos on my computer when I’m back. Sound good?”   
  
“What’s a lobotomy?” asked the girl confusedly.

“You’ll see,” winked the nurse.

“Darla!” called someone from behind the hall.

Adora turned. There was an old quaint short lady in pink knit clothes next to a tall woman in business clothes, a buzz cut and skin charcoal black. 

“Coming grammy!” the girl winked at the nurse who winked right back at her. She waved shyly at Adora and Catra whispering “Pretty,” under her breath and proceeding to push the wheelchair away.

  
  


The old lady stared right at Adora, and smiled. Adora confusedly smiled back. 

The nurse sighed, hand on cheek, “Poor little thing. Her mother’s been in and out of life support for weeks now and her other mom’s got the emotional IQ of a matchbox. She doesn’t look like she’s gonna make it, too.”

“Well, miracles do happen,” suggested Adora, attempting to veer their mind off alternatives of death. 

“Not when you’ve been in this line of work as long as I have, hun. Once a machine does the breathing for you, it’s just a slow sick joke for the family. Especially to a 9-year-old.” 

Catra shivered at the idea. Having a tube that forcefully pumps air in and out of your body must be one of the most terrifying things she could ever imagine.

The nurse noticed the color drain from the Latina’s face and shook their head, “Don’t mind me, darlings. I’m just a sleep-deprived gossip hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. This way.”

Catra stared at Adora and mimicked a gunshot to her mouth, to which Adora promptly replied with slapping her hand away. 

They halted in front of the same door. The one with the dreaded “Oncologist” title. There was someone with the doctor inside the office still so the nurse told them to take a seat for a few minutes.

“Dr. Spinerella’ll call you inside in a jiffy. If any of you dears need something, I’ll be at the front” winked the nurse again.

Adora reached her hand out to her “Thank you, Miss?”

“Debbie Treudeu. But you can call me Deedee. No ‘Miss’; I’m non-binary,” explained Deedee.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I--”

Deedee slapped the air “Tut-tut, hun. Now you know. Don’t worry your pretty head about it”.

Adora blushed. Catra cautiously stood next to her and put her arm around her neck.

“We appreciate the assistance, D” she added, cold smile on.

Deedee chuckled amusingly, “Pardon my straightforwardness, but are you two together?”

“Yep,” Catra said with the pop of the ‘P’.

Adora held out her own ring excitedly “To be married”.

“Well then,” Deedee pat Catra’s shoulder and looked at her with complete gentleness, just like she’d done for Darla, “I truly wish you both the best of luck and happiness. I hope to see your faces as few times as possible here”.

Caught off-guard by the earnest statement, Catra was too late to thank Deedee as they already started to walk back to her station.

“I’m glad you feel okay enough to get jealous, at least,” giggled Adora and took a seat in the waiting chairs next to the door.

“Oh, please,” Catra casually threw herself on Adora’s lap instead of sitting in the empty chair next to them, “like I’d ever let myself get bad enough and let someone just take you from right under my nose”.

Adora inhaled the nice coconutty scent of Catra’s recently washed hair and hummed. “My hero”.

The door opened and a loud woman came out, waving a clip-chart almost maniacally, “I’ll have the MRI scanner fixed and tuned by noon, Spinny! No worries at all!”

“Why is this hospital so loud?” mused Catra.

The woman turned, her purple braids whooshing right behind her. She grinned at the two sitting women. “Hi! She’s all yours!” she shouted and went on walking up the wing mumbling some sorts of coordinates to herself.

“And so purple?” whispered Adora to Catra who giggled.

Out the office stepped out Dr Spinerella, a tired but welcoming expression on her face as she said “I apologize for keeping you waiting. Come in”.

Catra looked at Adora one more time. 

‘I’m right beside you’ traced Adora on the other’s forearm.

The Latina smiled at her. She hopped back on her feet and sighed, “And so it begins”.

  
  
  
  


**10 Years Ago**

“I’m gonna fail this so hard,” Catra groaned. She grabbed a pillow from the sofa and roared her frustration into it, then flopped back on the floor, dejected.

“You’re  _ not  _ going to fail,” chided Adora, seated cross-legged next to her. 

Both girls had sat on the floor of their shared closet space that somehow passed for a room according to social services and we’re having a hard time studying for the Brightmoon High School entrance exam. Their only ticket out of the abusive shack they generously called home.

Adora was feeling pretty good about their chances. When Catra stops pretending to be uninterested and too cool for school, she listens very carefully as Adora explains things and completes all her reading and writing exercises faster every time.

But Catra knew better; when her brain gets stressed and foggy from the weight of all that’s riding on this chance, she completely blanks. If she gets this worked up when it’s Adora testing her, the fancy one at school is going to be undoable. 

“Oh,  _ please.  _ I’m gonna fail so hard, I can already retroactively hear Sheila’s evil villain laugh at me when we tell her I lost by, like, a jillion points.” Catra turned towards her friend, “ You should just stay”.

Adora scoffed at being guilt tripped, “Catra. We’ve talked about this.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Staying’s not an option and crap”. 

Catra got up from the floor and crawled over to the mirror facing them.

She touched the picture stapled on the mirror’s wooden frame. It was their first ever picture together; a blurry split image taken of the two of them having victory shakes at Freit’s Diner downtown after having bought that piece of junk of a phone that barely worked.

Adora was missing a front tooth, the one Catra had knocked off when it started hurting too much. Her hair was sticky and weird but her smile was big enough to ride during a flood. Catra on the other hand looked frizzy and dirty, her heterochromic eyes making her seem intoxicated and the plastic toy jewels she sported on her arms and neck doing very little to debunk the impression.

Adora was holding her jeweled hand.

The mere thought that they could get separated was almost enough to make Catra actually stand up to Sheila. Almost.

“I don’t know what I’d do if we got separated because I’m too dumb,” confessed Catra, so silently Adora didn’t even hear her voice. Catra looked at her friend’s reflection on the mirror; Adora’s puberty-spotted face, words dancing on her lips as she mouthed sentences from pages of textbooks they’d traded from the bookstore. Even in the ugliest red sweater on the planet she borrowed from Catra, she was radiant. Like there should be a halo drawn above her head.

**_You’re too perfect,_ ** Catra thought, heart sunk.  **_And I’m going to lose you because of it._ **

“I’m going out for a smoke,” Catra announced, digging her stash of cigarettes from their closet and walking out.

Adora could barely feel her shoulders and legs. She couldn’t tell if they were numb from the position she’d been holding all day, or because of the sheer fear.

She had to get Catra ready. She had to help her leave. She couldn’t face the decision between staying with her or leaving this house. There was too much to fear. Her chest couldn’t fill up with enough oxygen to stomach the day.

Before she knew it, she saw drops fall on the textbook on her lap, smudging the ‘P’ in photosynthesis. She sucked in a breath that fell short and coughed. 

Not now. She couldn’t freak out now. She was too close. She dug the heels of her wrists in her eyes, willing herself to stop crying.

“Remember the prompt, Adora.” she told herself. 

**_Four seconds._ ** Inhale.

**_Seven seconds._ ** Hold.

**_Eight seconds._ ** Exhale.

**_You can do this._ **

After she’d calmed, she went downstairs to find Catra out on the porch.

The second Catra noticed Adora, she stubbed out her cigarette and threw the butt on a napkin she folded and put in her pocket.

When she got a good look at Adora, her nonchalant expression melted, “You okay?”

“I’m great,” Adora grabbed her friend by the biceps, “we can do this Catra. If you stop goofing around, in a few months time, we’ll both be away from here. We won’t have to send packs to people downtown and we’ll watch TV at night with a full stomach and we’ll have fresh bed covers and new clothes and a proper guitar and birthday parties and dental floss. You won’t have to fear her anymore. If we really, really, really try, we can finally leave.”

A tingling sensation made Catra crack the tiniest smile, “You really think so?”

“ _ Yes.  _ But you have to trust me. Work with me here and please, for God’s sake Catra, please try your very best. This is our one chance. Let’s take it!”

Catra pondered this for a bit, then grinned, “Let’s do this shit, princess.”

And that’s how the two girls spent the rest of the next 3 months. Delivering packages to local spots of the city while reciting physics formulas, doing house chores singing Catra’s musical rendition of the periodic table, silently practising reading on the porch at night while trying to catch stray fireflies.

It wasn’t uncommon for them to camp out on the porch during summers when it got so hot their room threatened to microwave their insides. Catra repeated words out loud from Adora’s copy of ‘An Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian’ while Adora snored, head perched on her best friend’s lap.

The book reached intimate wounds Catra tries to conceal, even to herself. She felt all the sadness that came with being hated for your skin, the strain of saving pride in front of bullies who degraded your very existence. But mostly, she related to the ache felt from longing for things you don’t even know the shape of.

Adora’s breath smelled of peanuts from the PB&J they had for dinner and Catra got a bountiful whiff of it every time Adora turned. 

She moved a strand of hair that was tickling the blonde’s eyes. Somehow, Adora looked more stressed out in her sleep than she did when she was awake.

“I want you,” Catra says out loud, knowing her only audiences were fireflies. “I don’t know what that means. I just know that I want you around. I don’t like life without you around. Don’t leave me.”

Adora inhaled a powerful snore and turned sideways, completely indifferent.

Catra pulled their blanket close covered Adora to the chin, resisting the urge to caress her cheek.

_ Be a good girl _

_ Push a little farther now _

  
  
  


In the morning, weeks after testing, Adora woke up to find Catra crying in the living room, violet letter clenched in hand. 

When Adora came to comfort her for whatever she was crying for, Catra shoved the letter on her face.

Adora straightened it out and read aloud, “Dear Miss Adora Weaver, we are pleased to inform you that following your assessment for eligibility at our school, you have been accepted into our institution along with the full-scholarship boarding program…”, she looked up, “I don’t understand. Isn’t this great?”

Catra’s eyes were red and poignant. “I didn’t get one”.

Adora froze. What? No, no, no, no, no...

“Are you sure? Did you check the mailbox?” she asked desperately.

Catra nodded, “I even asked  _ her _ . She said this was all that came in”.

“But this has to be a mistake! Maybe yours got lost or is still in the post! We have to go che--”

“It’s  _ not  _ lost. I didn’t get in. That’s it.”

“But--”

“ _ Adora!  _ Stop it! Just let it go, okay? I fucked up. And I don’t even wanna go to that stupid snooty school anyway. I was doing it for you. So just...let it go”.

_ That wasn't fast enough _

_ To make us happy _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Present Day**

After their session with Dr Spinerella, Catra had to practically blackmail Adora to convince her to leave and take some time for herself.

“ _ Go _ . We’ve been together so much lately, I’m surprised our asses haven’t merged,” said Catra.

They were back home and rummaging in their closet looking for some kind of look that could be considered a costume in the loosest terms. Adora had daily clothes and Catra had formal wear, which meant just them sorting a big pile on their bedroom floor.

“Right after your first chemo session? Nuh-uh. Sorry, not happening”, replied Adora stubbornly, much to Catra’s annoyance. She’d be lying though if she said that a part of her didn’t feel as carefreely happy as jell-o with the amount of care Adora’s willing to give. But smothering her didn’t feel good in return.

Catra caressed Adora’s cheek, stopping her from folding clothes. “Baby, I promise, I’m okay. If I were at all bad, I’d tell you straight away. I want you to be able to go to the gym or the library or do all the usual stuff you do without having this cancer thing change every aspect of our lives.”

Adora’s eyes dropped down, already feeling guilty at the idea of ditching her fiance.

Catra went on, “I’ll even call Scorpia or someone over if it’ll make you feel any better for now. But this can’t be a regular thing. We can’t pause our lives because of what ifs. You know that.”

Adora hesitated then looked up. “I know, you’re right. I’m being obsessive.”

“Maybe a tiny bit,” joked Catra.

Adora laughed “Yeah. I’ll just go to the gym and catch up on my quads. But please call someone. At least on your first day of chemo.”

Catra took off her shirt and on her bare chest traced teasingly “Cross my heart, princess.”

Adora threw a shirt at her trying to control her laughter, “You have  _ got  _ to stop getting naked all the time.”

  
  


So for the rest of the day, while Adora worked up an impressive amount of sweat, Catra spent the rest of hers being doted on by the pastel parenting duo extraordinaire: Scorpia and Perfuma.

“Thanks for coming over on such short notice you guys. Adora’s just freaking a lot about me being alone”, Catra explained as she handed each woman a cup of tea.

Scorpia, not lacking in body mass or comfortable sweaters, had Perfuma cuddled up against her like a Christmas card.

“Of course! I can only imagine the amount of stress both of you must be going through with this whole ordeal,” Perfuma shook her head in earnest contemplation.

Perfuma was a licensed family therapist, so things like empathy and insight were forces of habit that tended to poke through quite a lot in their friendship. Catra used to get very agitated and self-defensive about it, but the more she let herself be vulnerable (and all that crap), she sometimes felt like only Perfuma could listen without making her feel as helpless as a crumb.

“Good thing she’s got us, right sweetie? The good ol’ flower lesbians ready to shower them with love and stuff.” assured Scorpia. And then, “Great tea, by the way!”

Perfuma patted her girlfriend’s arm affectionately. “Yes, honey. But I think it’ll take Adora more than just some verbal reassurance to help her let go.”

Catra got comfortable on the chair in front of them but worry still plagued her face, “You can say that again. Normally, it’d drive me nuts. But I’m still wrapping my head around this whole thing and she seems like...she wraps and re-wraps it every time she looks at me and it’s just… I don’t know. It makes me sad that I’m making her sad, I guess.”

All her guests could do was nod. The worst part of hardships like illness were the wounds inflicted involuntarily throughout the whole battle. Nobody is left unscathed.

“Welp. Nothing much we can do about  _ that _ , but,” Scorpia started looking through the totebag she brought along with her and pulled out a black spandex suit, “we  _ did  _ find you the absolutely best costume of all time for you.”

Catra managed a weak smile and took the suit from Scorpia, “Thanks for going through the trouble. I had a whole costume plan but wanted to give that bonehead a breather instead. This works perfectly.”

“And I’ve sewn Adora a celestial being costume I think will go excellently with her complexion,” chimed in Perfuma, unfolding her handiwork from her own totebag.

Catra chuckled “You two are a force to be reckoned with, aren’t ya?”

“That’s the power of love, amiga. Now try it on! We want angles!” Scorpia cheered and Perfuma kissed her on the cheek.

“I love your energy, darling,” she professed softly.

Scorpia blushed “Aw shucks”.

Not wanting to burst any bubbles, Catra took her costume to the bathroom and started changing. Halfway through fitting her arms in the suit, she felt woozy and grabbed on to the sink.

The world was spinning in ballroom fashion and her stomach had things to say. When she looked in the mirror, she seemed pale.

“Not right now, you idiot,” she told herself. She turned on the water and splashed her face a couple of times, but needed a few more minutes before she could deem herself stable.

“Honestly.” she laughed bitterly by herself as her head hung over her knees. 

“Fuck cancer, man”.

  
  


***

  
  


Adora needed to sprout wings if she even dared dream to make it in time for the party. Catra hitched a ride with Scorpia and Perfuma and Adora had to run and take a shower at home and get ready and haul ass to Glimmer and Bow’s place.

So that was the context behind Adora getting out of a shitty car parked in a rich neighborhood dressed like an angelic figure that is about to save the universe.

If anyone was interested (especially that kid on the tricycle that kept staring at her until his ice cream fell off his cone).

  
  


Other than being a late private school principal’s daughter, Glimmer had her own job writing marketing content for a spicy women empowerment website and Bow was the IT there. All in all, a pretty secure way to provide for a home this large and furnished. However many times she tells herself this, Adora still manages to be amazed by it all every time. 

The mix of Chinese and African mesh of traditional decor to represent the couples’ cultures clashed so perfectly with pop culture referential items like a karaoke station and framed pictures of influencing figures throughout the years. Sometimes Adora forgets to remind herself to prep for sensory overload.

Those and add the Halloween decor at every.single.corner.

As soon as she rang the bell, a box stationed next to the door popped out a skeleton automaton, taking advantage of Adora’s disorientation to scare the shit out of her.

Glimmer and Bow answered the door a minute later, “There you are! Come on, we’ve been waiting on the pizza for you”.

Adora didn’t know how they’d manage such delegation as the house was bustling with people. This seemed more elaborate than what she thought they’d signed up for.

Glimmer and Bow got in front of her view and posed in their costumes. 

Glimmer had the royalty violet armory akin to her favorite video game character and Bow a modern knight soldier costume (in a crop top). It was spot-on.

“Wow. You guys look nice!” Adora exclaimed.

“It was fun making it, too” Glimmer wiggled her eyebrows and Bow gave her a humorous kiss.

Getting into the party spirit from seeing so many fun costumes, Adora grabbed a solo cup and sipping, asked “You guys seen Catra?”

“I think I saw her with Perfuma a few minutes ago heading to the bathroom,” Bow told her.

A rise of panic came from Adora’s stomach. Catra would be cutting the rug, so to speak, by now. She hurried to the other side of the house, bumping into familiar people on the way and even getting a spill here or there from the forcefulness of her rush.

When she reached the bathroom, she opened the door to find Catra hunched over the toilet retching painfully while Perfuma held her hair and a glass of water just in case.

Catra turned to look and scoffed when she noticed it was Adora who’d caught her like this.

In a second Adora was right by Catra’s side as she continued to retch.

“Catra, honey, are you okay? What’s the matter?” Adora petted her head.

Catra stopped mid-retch to heave a response “Pill...nausea…”. She retched some more.

Adora noticed Perfuma trying really hard to hold her own gagging reflex together while holding Catra’s hair. She placed her hand on top of the woman dressed like a flower and gently told her, “Go. I’ve got this.”

Perfuma nodded desperately and walked out to give the two women privacy.

Catra stopped heaving for a good minute and took a gulp of water that Adora offered to her.

“Well? Aren’t you gonna say it? I can smell the ‘I told you so’ you’re holding in,” mused Catra.

Adora took her girlfriend’s arm and wrapped it around her neck, “It can wait for after we get home. Can you walk?”

Catra cleared her throat “Yeah, I’m just lightheaded”.

Perfuma had returned with Scorpia this time to help. “What do you guys need?”

“Can You clear a path for us?” asked Adora, “This place is swarming with people, it can make her pass out”.

“On it,” nodded Scorpia devotedly and turned to the party at a higher volume, “Okay, people. Back it up a little bit, we got a situation here and we’d really appreciate it if you cleared some room, kay?”

Adora felt Catra limp around her neck so she swooped her up bridal-style and made way through the people as fast as possible.

“Do you guys need a ride?” asked Bow, popping from out of the crowd.

“I came with the car so we’re good. Say bye to Glimmer for me and tell her sorry for leaving early,” yelled Adora between the music before continuing on outside.

“You got it,” said Bow sadly. 

Upstairs in their bedroom, Glimmer had retreated and locked the door after seeing Catra limp like that. The vivid memory that came with it brought on a reaction she’d started to forget. She texted Catra a quick message.

  
  
  


Outside, Catra’s phone buzzed from within her pocket.

Adora decided to ignore it since it was the least of her problems at the moment.

She’d laid Catra down behind the backseats and buckled her up. She said goodbye to her friends who saw her out and tried, to the best of her crappy abilities, to drive as smoothly as possible.

Catra drifted in and out of awareness, the nausea still thick in her throat and the menacing lights of the night streets passing by prickling her eyes the same way the curtains do in their apartment.

She could hear the engine purr underneath her body and the vibrations that came with it made her want to try vomiting again. But she was too tired to move.

In that moment, all she could do was let another memory resurface. The one she almost hated the most. 

Watching Adora leave.

  
  
  
  


**10 Years Ago**

Packing was brutal. Seeing Adora collect everything they’d share all their lives together suddenly disappear into her suitcase. Along with her.

Catra had initially decided not to talk to Adora. Why should she? She was the one leaving her behind. Sure, it was a better life. But is it really that good that it’s worth leaving Catra behind? If Adora means more to her than she to Adora, does she mean anything to anyone else out there? Is she doomed to be an orphan forever; a kid yearning to have something irrevocably lost and drowning because of it?

The honk of the car startled her out of her daze and she heard Adora sigh.

“That’s me,” she said disappointingly and clicked closed her briefcase. Thus far she’d taken all her clothes, which left Cata with 3 to her own. She even took her notebook; the only source of paper in the house and where Catra would sometimes write lyrics in.

Adora walked up to Catra’s bed, where she’d turned her back on her purposefully.

The blonde sat on one knee and nudged her best friend “Come on, Catra. It’s not like I’m dying or anything. I’ll just be a bit farther downtown that’s all. We’ll have sleepovers and we’ll text all the time.”

Adora looked at the phone in her hand and stuffed it under Catra’s pillow, “I want you to keep it. Just make sure to charge it to text me.”

Still not a word from Catra.

Adora’s eyes filled with tears. She reached out and kissed Catra tenderly on her temple and before she could change her mind, ran downstairs to catch her car.

After feeling her lips press on her temple, Catra took a few seconds to slap herself out of it.

**_Dumb, dumb idiot,_ ** she told herself.  **_You got to at least tell her goodbye._ **

But when she got out on the porch, she was too late. All she got to see was the remaining smoke of the tailpipe telling her she waited too long.

That stupid mess of blonde, that goofy smile, the conscientious voice that reminded her to brush her teeth and breathe and look at her and believe her. Gone.

“There, there,” said Sheila, putting her hand on Catra’s trembling shoulder as she cried audibly, for the first time not caring whether her abuser can see. “Adora never belonged here, anyway. We’re creatures of the shadows, Catra. The rejects of society that can fight 10 times for 1 spot and lose while they’ll win 10 times with 1 try. It’s just the way of the world. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you’ll be able to let go”.

Catra let out an involuntary sob thinking about all that she just lost when she thought she had nothing left to call her own.

Sheila tightened her grip on Catra’s shoulder, “On the bright side, you have me. You have the business. You’ll see. One day you’ll see how good we actually have it and actually thank me. I’ll be inside”.

When the screen door behind her closed, Catra let herself fall to her knees. She started punching the ground until her knuckled burned “You fucking idiot! She wanted to say goodbye and you completely shut her out! No wonder she left, no wonder people torture you, you fucking retard! Gah!”

She stopped and looked at her hands and chuckled, imagining how Adora would react if she’d seen her hurt herself like that.

“Not your problem anymore”.

  
  
  
  
  


**Present Day, after the party**

Adora had changed Catra’s clothes, put on fresh pajamas on her and doused her forehead with a clean soaked towel to get some of the sweat off. 

When Catra cranked an eye open, she felt the heaviness of fever immediately. It was pitch black and warm in their room. Too warm, there was no air.

She opened her mouth to suck in a bigger breath but ended up projectile vomiting on herself liquid she couldn’t spare.

She looked to her right and Adora didn’t move. Good. She was still asleep.

But as soon as Catra attempted to get out of the bed to the bathroom, she tripped on the sheet and fell hard on the floor, blubbering more vomit.

“Catra?” Adora turned on their nightstand lamp and after rubbing the sleep off her eyes, realized what had happened.

“Go back to bed,” Catra blubbered stubbornly.

“Are you fucking with me right now?” Adora responded angrily and ran to her side, scooping up her fiance and leading her to the toilet.

Catra retched scorching air while Adora unbuttoned her soiled shirt, using the clean side to wipe her mouth and douse the vomit area of the floor. In the process, Catra accidentally turned her head to say something and ended up retching stomach acid on Adora’s shirt as well.

**_Fucking hell man. This is bullshit,_ ** was all Catra could manage to think in her state.

“‘Msorry...I...sorry,” she mumbled, this time keeping her head directed strictly on the toilet.

“Baby, baby, it’s okay!” Adora took off her shirt, “See? Free peep-show.”

That actually managed to make Catra smile, even from her nauseated state of in-and-out.

Once Adora managed to wipe Catra’s skin with some wet wipes and put a blanket on her, she sat down next to her and started rubbing her back.

“How long…” that was all Catra could muster.

Adora looked at her phone, “About 2 hours. It’s 4 a.m. right now”.

“But you have...work..early.”

Adora shrugged, “I’ll be late. They’ll live. I want to know if you feel easier at all? Should I call the emergency?”   
  


Catra vigorously wagged her finger.

They stayed like that for 20 more minutes until Catra felt slightly more audible.

“I’m better,” she exhaled, “My sides are killing me from retching”.

She looked up at Adora, who seemed spooked, echaused and amused all at once somehow. “I told you so”.

Adora was joking, but Catra’s throat burned and her eyes watered when she thought about how much she scared Adora because she wanted to wear a stupid costume at a stupid fucking Halloween party.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to put you through that. I’m sorry--”

A fingertip rested on her lips and then replaced with Adora’s signature soft peck, “As long as you’re okay. Please just rest. Don’t worry about me”.

“I wish I were perfect, just for you,” Catra whispered and wiped the corners of her eyes with the heels of her wrists.

“No,” Adora took her lover’s hands and started wiping them, too. “We’re both seriously fucked up. But that’s okay. I like us this way. We’ll be okay”.

Catra smiled, “So good to wish out loud.”

  
  


_ I'll love you just the way you are _

_ If you're perfect _

  
  


**_To be continued..._ **

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is so.much.more.to.come. It is insane how much content I have planned for this story and now that I've outlined it super thoroughly and now that I have a way better less emotionally abusive job, I will *try* to update weekly. I am trying to be better every day and it's been a zig-zag project but I am nothing if not an optimistic pixie! 
> 
> If you enjoyed anything about this chapter, didn't enjoy something, are confused or excited about how it'll go on please please pleaseee comment below (those comments are like lil serotonin shots, its uncanny) and I really hope that at the end of the day, this story is fulfilling you in some way :) <3 Love you all
> 
> P.s. Every chapter will be a song so I heavily recommend checking each song now. The tone of the whole chapter is based on the song its been birthed from soooo <3

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo... what'd you think? 
> 
> More to come very soon so stay tuned and please drop a comment if you enjoyed anything about it, they fuel me with motivation to write more and faster! 
> 
> Please note that there's strong graphic content (not just sexually) but it'll get pretty gruesome with the cancer sp if anyone has any triggers or issues youve been warned and Ill drop an extra warning every time in top notes.
> 
> Thanks for reading, you are lovely <3
> 
> Check out my other Catradora fic if you want!


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